Thoughts of the day

I had a dream when I was still married to my ex husband. It was during a time when things were really bad and I was really unhappy. I would cry myself to sleep most nights wishing for a different life. I dreamed one night that I was running with a black dog along beautiful tree lined streets. It was a beautiful day with clear skies. I was so happy and free. Then I woke up and realized that I was still in my life and that it had just been a dream and I just cried again. About two years later, I was out running ( a new thing for me) with my dog, Jasmine, (black lab), it was a beautiful day and I was running down Aolia Drive with the beautiful trees lining the road and the dream came back to me all of a sudden. I stopped in the middle of the road, realizing that I had dreamed this day! It was like I had been given a picture of how my life would be one day and here I was.

As I awoke one morning about a week ago I had a vision of the past 15 years all coming together in a big bubble and it was very clear to me the purpose of my life with Scott.  I had the memory of the first month after I moved up here. Scott and I would go for a walk after dinner most nights. One night in particular stands out in my mind. There was no moon out and we were walking into town through a neighborhood that had no lights. I was happily following along without concern and we were talking. He asked me which way I wanted to go. I said I didn’t care, I didn’t know where I was anyways. He stopped in the middle of the road and said ” You don’t know where you are?”.  I said, “No, come on lets go”.  He stood there staring at me and asked me again which way to go. I was getting pretty frustrated and a little scared, it was dark and I seriously didn’t know where I was. He says ” You mean to say that if I left you here you wouldn’t be able to find your way home?”.  “Yes, that is right, come on just walk!”.  This made him laugh a little and yet he didn’t move. He continued ” Listen to the sounds around you, can’t you hear the freeway?, You know we live that direction”.  I really didn’t care I just wanted to walk and relax and talk. ” Just walk!” I was just about in tears at this point. He did begin to walk then but at each intersection he stopped and made me decide which way to go, I hated this so much, but it was a big turning point in my life. I had always been accustomed to having someone make decisions for me and while I didn’t like to be controlled I did prefer to take a back seat and let someone else drive. I hadn’t considered that in doing that I wasn’t even awake enough to know where I was.  There were other things too, how he would sometimes make me decide what we would have for dinner when I really didn’t care. This was especially disconcerting as I honestly never considered what I would like to eat.  I would ask him what to do sometimes and he wouldn’t help me make the decisions. He would ask me what it was that I wanted to do and I was stunned that I really hadn’t considered that and really didn’t know.   Slowly over time,  I really learned who I was and what I liked and how to make decisions. The past year I have had to take on more than I could have ever imagined possible. Honestly I still don’t want to make decisions, I don’t want to be in charge, but at least now I know that I can stand on my own two feet and deal with life has for me.

Before we met,  I was scared of everything. I couldn’t watch the news without having anxiety attacks about dying. My own death was my constant and worst fear. I would go to the counselor and they would say “So you have an anxiety attack and you feel like you are going to die?” I would tell them “No, I know I am going to die one day and it gives me an anxiety attack.” they didn’t get it and would continue to tell me how it is natural to feel like you are going to die when you are having an anxiety attack. Oh well, they  never did get it, but I did. Death scared the hell out of me and it gave me anxiety attacks!  When my father in law died a few years ago, I realized that I had come a long way. We all sat with him until he took his last breath and instead of it scaring me I remember leaving there knowing I had witnessed the most beautiful thing ever. He had passed in peace and we were all there with love and support to  help him go. I was sad that he had to go, but just felt so uplifted in being able to experience that first hand and see the beauty in it.  I still don’t feel quite that way about my own death, but the fear has diminished quite a bit. I realize the impermanence of everything. Instead of scaring me it kind of gives me peace.  We don’t get to decide when we will lose someone we love. We have to just live each day and love them while we can and make sure they know it.

We haven’t had the perfect marriage. We have had our share of ups and downs. One thing has been constant and that has been our friendship. He has always stood by me and has always encouraged me to go straight into the things that scared me the most. Always assured me that I was doing the right thing even when sometimes I couldn’t see it.  I have learned so much and continue to learn each day I am with him.I could see my whole life with Scott  wrapped up in a bubble that morning. So many things that  have come full circle.  I know that I was given a big gift to have this time with him and have him teach me so many things about myself and about life.  I am inspired by his fearlessness in facing what is to come and I hope that I can be there for him like he has been there for me.

Thanks for reading. Namaste.