It’s been a while…

It has been quite some time since I last added to my blog. So much has happened and I couldn’t put words to my feelings and honestly didn’t know what to say for a long time now. I think though that it is time for me to try to put some of it down. I don’t know really where to start so I will just start where I am today.

I have been trying to figure out why I am having such a hard time doing the things that used to bring me so much joy. While most of my energy has returned and I not spending as much time crying and am feeling less overwhelmed, I can’t figure out why I just sit and stare at my garden like it is some alien thing that I have no idea what to do with. I do go and pick things on occasion. The only reason there are things to pick is my neighbor put in a drip system for me. If I had to water I am sure it would all be dead and I am sure that would have put me over the edge already.

I think that part of it is that my kids don’t eat tomatoes. I love them, but mostly I would grow them for Scott and I to share. He loved them. I used to grow a lot of things because he liked them. I couldn’t even bring myself to plant radishes this year. They were his favorite. I don’t even want to eat the tomatoes this year. I did enjoy the cucumbers, but they are just about done. I even let my basil go to seed. Most of my herbs have either died or been peed on by Balto (whole other issue entirely) But it is more than not having him to share them with, because before you guys even say it I know I have lots of people to share them with and I have and do, so that really isn’t it.

Today I realized I never had a garden until I met Scott. I had done a container garden once in Virginia. Thanks to Uncle Rich  and Aunt Barb who inspired me with their amazing garden. Uncle Rich who taught me how to prune and mix soil and when to pick and what to do. It was Scott who broke ground in the back yard of our first house and made me the place to plant my first garden. He didn’t often help me with it, but took pictures and loved to admire what I did.  It was something we shared and even with all our differences over the years it was the one constant and something we enjoyed talking about and planning each year. Mostly it was me, but he would always listen to my next crazy plan and he would build the next bed for me and watch me go. When he was sick it was my escape and my sacred space where I could go to get grounded and find peace. Now there are just memories and ghosts.

I’m not sure what to do about this. I just look at it now and find that there is this huge resistance to enter. Part of me wants to force myself to go in and the other part wants to never go back, forge a new way. Find something new to make me happy, something without so many memories attached. Perhaps in time. I suppose this is normal and like everything else, part of the grieving process.

I went to Back to School night for Sam tonight. Another thing to make me realize that I am doing this thing alone now. I am comforted by him having Mr. Garcia. Alex had him when he was in the 5th grade and it was a great year. I know what to expect and that makes me feel better about getting through our first year without Scott. Alex has 6 teachers who I never met before and that is a bit overwhelming, but luckily he has a handle on things.  Scott always handled all the academic stuff. It has never been my thing. I would volunteer in the classroom and drive on field trips and he would check homework and  help with the projects. Now I am a bit lost on what to do. I feel like I am letting the kids down after all these years of setting this great foundation I don’t feel like I have the skills to keep them on track.  So I reach out and ask for help and hope that is going to be enough. I want them to be as successful as they can be. At least they enjoy school and I don’t have to sweat that part.

I’m taking a deep tissue class this week and am really enjoying being in the learning environment again. The students in my class are great and I am learning new techniques and getting worked on as well, which is just an added bonus. I leave feeling great and look forward to going tomorrow. It is only a four day class so tomorrow is the last day. I will look forward to the next class! I am always happy when I am learning new things and maybe that is what I  need to be doing right now. Learning,  Forging a new path and finding a new way. I may stumble and fall along the way, but I will always pick myself up and keep going.

Next up is Maui. I am taking a Craniosacral Therapy class and spending a few days extra to enjoy the island. I hope to get some rest, soak up the sun, meditate, and have lots of fun. Maybe I will discover something new there that will be my new passion, one never knows! Much love and blessings to all of you! Until next time….. Namaste