I went to yoga this morning. I laid down my mat for the 11th day in a row. It was difficult getting there this morning as I didn’t sleep well last night. I had laid in bed for hours trying to fall asleep, trying to quiet my mind. My kids had gone for a sleepover to celebrate a friend’s birthday. The house was too quiet. While I am comfortable being home alone, I like to have my kids close by. It was very uncomfortable and brought up all kinds of things that I didn’t want to think about just then. I wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to think about how much I have lost in the past two years. I didn’t want to think about how much the kids have grown and changed and how Scott would be so proud of them both and would have loved seeing just how much they have grown and changed. How I really miss his perspective and how it was so different from mine but could make sense of so much that I just don’t understand. I didn’t want to think about how much I miss having a partner to share all of the ups and downs with. Someone who knows me sometimes more than I know myself. Someone who can see your potential and help you not be so afraid of it. I miss Scott. I miss my friend. I didn’t want to think about it but I did and I sat with it all as uncomfortable as it was and I let it all wash over me and eventually I did fall asleep.
The message today in yoga was about stepping into your full potential. Being fully who you are. What are you doing that has purpose? Scott and I had talked at length before he passed about how we had affected each others life and why we think we met and what we had helped each other with. We both felt that one of the reasons he was in my life was to set me on my path. He could see things in me that I couldn’t see. He believed in me before I could believe in myself. Since he has passed I have spent my time focusing on home and the kids and just my sanity in general, but I have gotten a bit off course as far as work and my purpose and the path that I had been set on before he passed.
What are you afraid of? What stops you from reaching your potential? These questions echo in class this morning. I have been asking myself these questions lately. This message was definitely meant for me to hear. I almost went back to sleep this morning and thought that skipping class would be ok, I mean who am I competing with anyways, right? How many days in a row do I need to come? I had decided that since I couldn’t go back to sleep after my alarm woke me up that I should just go ahead and go. So I lay there on my mat hearing these words and I think, yeah I’m supposed to be here today. Hello, wake up!
It’s the 11th day in a row. What do I notice. It was hard as hell to get to the mat. Once I was there I was greeted by friends. I’ve never left there without a hug from someone. I made yet another new friend. I found support in a new person. I was not fatigued as I thought I would be. I was stronger today than I had been the day before. I was able to do things in a couple of poses that I was never able to do before. My focus is getting clearer. It isn’t as painful. The class is over way faster than I thought. Classes are seeming shorter and shorter. Is this why people do doubles? Is this what is next for me? I can see the addiction growing.
I haven’t worked much in the past two years. Part of that is obvious. The grieving process takes time and I needed time to get myself together for me and the kids. The other part I am still grappling with. I think that stepping back into my life fully or should I say stepping fully into my new life is like opening a new chapter. I realized that today. To open a new chapter means I am closing the last one. Letting go fully of my life before. My life before everything changed. I’m entering a new world. One where I am standing firmly on my own. It kind of makes it all real and puts it all right in my face. I’m a single mom. I’ve had a hard time saying that and really owning it.
This week I will begin work on my new work space. It’s the first time that I am making a decision like that on my own. Without Scott there to encourage me and help me sort out the details. It’s a mixed bag of emotions. I’m really excited and really scared too. Luckily I am really not alone at all. I am lucky to have lots of help. I am always blown away at how when things are right things just seem to fall right into place and I know it is all going to come out great.
I don’t have Scott here to ground me and bring me back to earth as I fly from one thing to the next. He was always my rock. We were very opposite and it worked for a really long time. I would light the fire under him to get him moving and he would bring me center. So, as I lay my mat down this morning I am finding a new way to center. I am learning to ground myself and I’m finding it is getting easier.
I’m not sure how many days I will keep going to yoga without a break. I don’t think I will need to do this everyday the rest of my life, but I know it is there for me. I’m glad to be getting back in my body and back in touch with myself. I just keep waking up each day and figuring out where I can fit it in. Seems to be working so I am going to go with that for now. 🙂 In the meantime I will open the first page to the next chapter and take a step in.
