Nothing and Everything Prepares You for Life…

As I sit this morning staring out at the ocean vew from my hotel room, I watch the waves and feel reminded of learning to be in the present moment. I have so many memories of coming to the coast with Scott.  He was the one who introduced me to the north coast of California. We made many trips and spent our honeymoon there and later took the kids on some wonderful camping trips. Now I continue to bring the kids here to make new memories and to remember.

I spend a lot of time worrying about what will happen. I’ve always been like that. Lately I worry about what will happen to the kids. Will they get through school okay? Will they become who they want to become? Will they remember their dad? Will I do a good enough job alone? How can I give them all they need? The list goes on. I have spent so much energy worrying about things over the years and this morning I was reminded that I need to be right now. I don’t know what brought me back to that, but I began remembering my biggest lesson in being present…

I knew that Scott was going to die. It was something that we came to terms with slowly. We knew it was going to happen but we didn’t know how or when. Would I wake up and find him next to me already gone?  Would he fall and hit his head and die alone while I was at work? Would he aspirate on his drink or choke on his food when I wasn’t there or worse when I was there with the kids? How would the kids handle it? The kids… My mind would go on and on with these horrible thoughts and it just got worse.

Scott and I would talk about it because he had the same worries. He wanted to be home and surrounded by family when he passed. This had been how it had been for his dad. We both were there and agreed that if you have to go that is the best way. I wanted this for him, but was very doubtful with his condition that this was going to be the case.

There were many middle of the nights when I was waken by his gasping for air and panic cries. Jolted awake to sit him up and calm him so that he was breathing normal again and feeling like we had just been lucky and bought some more time. Then there were the choking episodes and the texts when he had indeed fallen and couldn’t get up and needed me to come home to help him.  The time he had to be rescued in the canyon when he thought he could go for a hike and he fell and was stuck by the river unable to get up.  It took me, the 911 dispatcher an ambulance, firetruck, forest rangers, and a helicopter to find him and bring him out. The time that he  fell when I was home and he hit his head and he was lucky I was there because his phone wasn’t nearby and he had a pretty bad concussion. Had he been alone then it could have been so much worse. So I would worry…

It was about this time when our book club was reading The Power of Now. The book talks about the cause of suffering is from not living in the present moment but rather in the past or future. How if you are present then there is peace. This idea was further reinforced by my spiritual teachers when I would go to them fretting about what is going to happen? What will I do? They would tell me to focus on now, be present.

The funny thing about ALS for Scott was that he had an additional condition that often comes along with neurological conditions and that is where you lose your emotional filter. Scott was always pretty quiet and not very  outwardly emotional. So this new thing was interesting. He couldn’t suppress his feelings. Sometimes this was hard like when he got frustrated and would yell at us telling us things like he couldn’t stand us and wished he could just die already! Mostly though he didn’t get angry and I am grateful for that. He would often tear up at touching  moments in movies or the silly sappy commercials. The best though, was the laughter. The silliest things on TV would get him belly laughing. And I mean laughing till he was in tears and it was contagious. The boys and I would look at each other knowing full well how absurd it all was, but before we knew it we would all be laughing so hard we would have tears in our eyes and I knew then that this was a blessing. It was grace. How could we all laugh during such a rough time? What were we even laughing at anyways?!  Well, I don’t know, but we did and I’m glad we did.  And in those moments I would think “Right now we are laughing, right now he’s alive, right now all is well” and I would be at peace.

As each week passed we lived in paradox. We had so many blessings and so many very dark moments all wrapped up into odd moments of laughter and tears.  I was always grateful for the laughter. We would wind up laughing at the most unimaginable things. This would always bring me to right now. Right now we are laughing, right now things are good. Be now…

Each step prepared me for the next. First his voice. I still miss his voice.   It became harder and harder to communicate. This made me have to slow down and really listen. I still have trouble with this. Then he began losing the use of his hands and stopped being able to cook. We all still miss his cooking.  I began taking on this additional task and tried to enjoy it. Then he stopped driving. Gone were the days of him picking up the kids and making them dinner and helping with their homework so that I could work a couple of nights a week. I began arranging my schedule to pick them up and do these things.  It gave me a glimpse forward as to what it would be like to carry the load with the kids alone. Then he needed me for the more basic things in life, to eat, to bathe, the bathroom. I learned compassion from a level I never knew. All through all this he was still there supporting me as a friend. Still giving me advice and listening like always. Still there for me. Then one day I realized he just couldn’t listen anymore.  That was the hardest ever to get a glimpse of what it would be like to be alone without his support without his friendship.  And then it was real…

He passed away. He was  surrounded by his family as he had hoped. It was peaceful and we were there to say goodbye and help him go. I was not alone, he was not alone and if you have to go then I still think that is the best way to go. Nothing really prepares you and yet everything does. For all my worrying and fretting it all unfolded anyways. It all happened as it would and nothing like I would have been able to imagine.  And here I am now…

As I sit and watch the waves and listen to my kids tell stories of their dad I am reminded to be here now. I don’t know how it will all turn out but right now things are good. Right now we are all okay. Right now we are alive and happy and at peace.

Thanks for reading ❤