I’m really not sure where to start today. I look back over the past year and I think that in so many ways I am no farther along than where I started. In some ways I feel like I took a big step backwards and find myself on a more regular basis in a big dark hole or feeling like one is following me around. I have had it suggested that his is depression and I have considered this and also have been considering a visit to my therapist again. My usual means of getting myself up and feeling better haven’t really been helping. I have had some incredible days where I feel very hopeful and can see where my life is beginning to head and I can see how far I have come only to be exhausted the next few days and feel like I am starting all over again. How will I ever have the energy to live this life that I am wanting to create?
So instead of heading to my yoga mat or taking a run around the block I pick up my knitting needles and have the kids turn on a movie instead. I am really not so good at being still, but clearly my body is telling me I need to rest. I have spent a few days this week in bed when I am not running around trying to prove to myself that I am ok. Truth is that I’m not ok. I feel like I am unraveling. Isn’t it supposed to be better right now rather than worse? Everyone says it gets easier with time. It doesn’t seem that way to me. It seems to me that it just goes to a deeper level.
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