A week ago I signed off of Facebook, deactivated my account and logged off. I wasn’t really sure why except I felt that I needed to take a break and have more face to face interactions. Less scrolling and more doing. On Saturday (day 5 of the journey) I was sitting out back drinking my coffee (I recently started drinking coffee again too) when I realized I was just staring into my yard contemplating. It was such a strange feeling when I realized that it has been a long time since I had done that, but that I used to do that all the time. I would sit and look around trimming hedges in my head, pulling a weed or two , visualizing a new thing here or there. Then I would get up and starting doing those things. I would work for a while aimlessly going from thing to thing and then stop, get more coffee and sit again and start all over again. I used to be comfortable being with myself, content to just be. Comfortable in my time alone, mostly because those moments were rare, a novelty.
On top of giving up Facebook, my boys were gone with their uncle for the weekend and I had no plans. I haven’t been seeing anyone and all my friends were busy doing other things. The universe had plans for me to be on my own and I was terrified, but up for the challenge. It was during this time that I caught myself contemplating. That is when I realized that I was actually doing ok. Perhaps the most Ok that I have been in a very long time. I realized that I have been spending a lot of time running in circles and reaching outside of myself trying to avoid being quiet. I didn’t want to see that I was alone, without a partner for the first time in my adult life.
It’s been two years since Scott passed away. I spent most of the first year being relieved that he wasn’t suffering anymore, that none of us were. That the work of the whole situation was done. I was exhausted and so I rested, a lot. I had accepted what had happened and saw as much of the blessing in all of it as I could. When I wasn’t resting I was hiking or the boys and I were traveling. Anything as long as I didn’t stop for too long.
When I did stop and think I had a hard time remembering the good times. It was easier to remember how hard things were at times. I accepted the fact that Scott and I had not always had the best marriage and maybe this was a chance to find someone who might be a more compatible match. I reached out and I dated men with qualities I felt like Scott didn’t have and I thought that I needed. Those things were nice to find and perhaps maybe they are important qualities to have. The only problem was that there was one really big thing missing… Love. Scott really loved me. He often loved me when I couldn’t love myself. He was the most patient man I have ever met. He really understood me and knew me and I while he didn’t always want to talk as much as me and didn’t get my humor and would scold me for my bad language, he loved me anyways. It was never an issue and he always had my back. There was never a question from the first day we met wether we would still be together, not to him. He would say “we love each other, don’t worry, we will be fine”. That used to bug me, I had felt like he took me for granted, and maybe he did, but now I realize that I had something rare. I never really appreciated a lot of things about him, about us. When things were tough in our lives that is when we were the best together and I think that is really what love is. When things get hard, you dig in and be there for each other and you don’t give up. We really did love each other, the real kind of love the kind that most people never experience. I experienced it and never really saw it till now…
We would sit out back drinking coffee in the morning and contemplate. We would just sit in our own thoughts for a while and then we would take turns sharing our thoughts and we would dream and scheme and plan all kinds of things that we never did and a lot of things that we did do. He would usually feed the birds, (something that I just can’t seem to do) the humming birds were always his favorite… I would putter around in the garden and then we’d get more coffee and sit some more and more thoughts would come and more ideas… Maybe that is why it has been so hard to just sit. I sit and I think and then there is nobody there to listen to my crazy idea, just me, maybe the cat. The kids are almost always still in bed…So instead I would scroll and stare at the computer screen. I would see everyone else’s crazy ideas, dreams and schemes and I would take my phone with me outside and take pictures and post them and scroll and share my thoughts here and there trying to feel a connection, but mostly avoid feeling alone…
So I stopped, I finally just stopped. Now I am beginning the journey of diving into me and being with me. I am getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. So far I think it is actually going very well. I am starting to feel creative again and have gotten all kinds of things done and I am sleeping really well for the first time in a long while and it is getting more and more consistent.
Lately I’ve noticed the humming birds keep coming up to me when I am out there . I have noticed the finches and the titmouse too, I haven’t seen them all in a long while. It makes me remember when we lived in the house before this one that we had this little family of three tufted titmouse (those are my favorite), a family of humming birds and two blue jays that were really annoying. One morning I was at my kitchen window and this humming bird flew right up to the widow and hovered and looked right at me and I remember telling Scott that I thought it was our humming bird from the old house (we had only moved a few blocks away). He put some food out for it right away and food out back in hopes that the other birds might show up. About a week went by and these three little titmouse showed up out back. A couple weeks later there were these two blue jays causing a ruckus and the humming birds were coming around front to the feeder. We were certain it was “our birds” from the other house. So seeing the humming birds the past week or two I feel like it’s Scott trying to send me a message. I can see him sitting and drinking his coffee with a grin on his face nodding, letting me know that it is going to be ok. Maybe it’s time to feed them and invite them back into my yard. So maybe as I contemplate I can have some company again. ❤
