Finding Peace

It has been nearly 6 weeks since we have been quarantined due to the Covid19 virus. After riding this rollercoaster of a pandemic through weeks of uncertainty, it is understandable but I still hate to admit it, I forgot. I was out on a hike this week taking in the sunshine and checking out the lovely display of poppies, lupin and wild iris all in bloom while butterflies fluttered all around, when it hit me. I recalled the memory of what must have been 30 or 40 butterflies surrounding Scott just days before he passed. We were sitting out back when they came. It was one of the most amazing things that I have ever seen. They came in all at once, fluttering and swirling all around us. We sat mesmerized by the magic of it all. Then, just as they had come, they were gone. I had never seen so many butterflies at once before, and I haven’t since. That year, the poppies bloomed in front of our house in the biggest display ever. All of this, as if the ancestors were calling him home. The next year, there was the iris that finally bloomed the for first time, years after we planted it, on the anniversary of his death. It isn’t lost on me that he passed away when all of his favorite flowers were in bloom. It was as if his soul orchestrated the timing perfectly just so that we would never forget. He knew me too well. This year, I saw their brilliant show just in time, it was 8 years ago yesterday.

It is understandable that I could forget, considering the circumstances. This situation has brought most of our day to day lives to a stand still. For me, it has meant that I am unable to work as a hairstylist, and my college classes have switched to an online platform, keeping me exclusively at home.

At first, I was actually pretty happy about being forced to be home. Frankly, I needed to stop. Life has become very busy for the boys and I over the past couple of years and with an empty nest looming in the not so distant future, I was thrilled to be home with the boys with nowhere to go. Alex’s birthday was spent quietly at home. We had a nice dinner together, I made a cake and we sang Happy Birthday. He made a wish and blew out his candles. We made the best of the situation focusing on the things we could still do. Making the best of things is something we have become good at over the years.

About a month before we received Scott’s diagnosis, I attended a meditation service where a local medium was giving readings to the audience. I stood and listened as she brought messages from loved ones from the other side. She scanned the room and her eyes stopped on me and she said that she had someone coming through for me. I waited patiently as she focused to get a description of who it was. She said she felt it was my grandmother and that her energy was very strong and loving towards me. I don’t recall all that she said, but she implied the feeling that things would be changing and that there would be a lot required of me moving forward. She said, that as I moved through these challenges to remember to come back to the things that bring me peace. She asked me if I gardened and I said yes. She shook her head knowingly, her eyes half closed with a peaceful smile, and said that she could see me in the garden gathering and bringing things in to cook. She saw me cooking, stirring a pot on the stove. She said there was singing, dancing, a sort of playfulness and laughter. Opening her eyes, she looked at me directly and said, “Your grandmother wants you to remember that these are the things that you can go to that will carry you through. She says, remember to always hold your head up and walk with grace.” I remember feeling both anxious about what she had said, but also like I was being wrapped up in a cocoon of support. I didn’t know what she was talking about or what she thought was going to happen, but I will never forget her words. “Turn to the things that bring you peace to carry you through.”

I have carried that message with me over the years and it has served me well. It doesn’t matter really what the problem is that I’m having. When I feel myself starting to spin out, I turn to the things that bring me peace. It is understandable with so much uncertainty and fear spreading around the world, creating anxiety, that everyone is freaking out and focusing on all the things they can’t do. It would be easy to spin out down that rabbit hole, but I know better. So, before I let it the anxiety take hold, I put on my grubby clothes and head out into the garden.

Earlier this year I wasn’t sure if I would have time to plant a garden with the schedule I was keeping. My day to day schedule has been packed with work, school, yoga classes, and what felt like endless driving, giving me less and less time to do the other things I really enjoy. My plan this year was to plant a couple of beds of herbs and maybe some cucumbers, and fill the other beds with flowers. While I didn’t want to give up my garden completely, I knew I wouldn’t have time to tend to it as much as I would like. In fact, I would be lucky if I could find time to plant anything at all. So, here I was with all of this time on my hands and nothing else to do but to weed and prepare these 10 garden beds. As I sat on the cold ground, breathing in the smell of the earth I began pulling the weeds. Soon, I felt a calmness come over me and I slipped into a quiet meditative rhythm. I felt like I had come home to myself after a long journey. I spent the next couple of weeks clearing and preparing the beds. In the evenings I plotted on graph paper everything I wanted to plant in each bed, and in the mornings I went outside and continued the work. In between, I found myself being pulled in by the news.

As a lot of you know, I am not one to watch the news. Unfortunately, this current situation got the best of me. Before I knew it, I found myself not only compulsively scrolling social media, but also subscribing to news sources which sent alerts to my phone day and night encouraging me to digest large amounts of news. Besides the staggering numbers of deaths being reporter all over the world and people scrambling to figure out how the virus is being spread and how to stop or at least slow the spread of the disease, the messages of fear have been pouring in from every angle. Before I knew it, I was consumed by fear and uncertainty. Anxiety began to creep in and I could feel myself start to panic. While I don’t want to bury my head in the sand and pretend that all of this is not going on, I know that the only way I am going to survive is to get grounded and find my center. So, I turned to what I know. Making the decision to turn off the phone and take a break from the endless reports, I took out a ball of yarn and started to knit a pair of socks. As I knit, I began to calm down. The rhythm of the stitches helped me to sort my thoughts. I began thinking about what I could do to help in this situation while I also help myself. While I did enjoy having the time to start my garden and take a break from my busy schedule, there were people out there still working. Some people are figuring out how to work from home while they are also homeschooling their children. Others are out there on the front lines, grocery stores and hospitals facing exposure on a daily basis without proper protection.

As I sat there in my warm house, in front of a lovely fire knitting a sock with my cat on my lap, I decided that I could use my time better. I have a sewing machine and while I don’t actually enjoy sewing, I could certainly attempt to make masks for the people who are out there risking their lives. I already had a small stash of fabric, from a quilting project some 20 years ago, to get me started and I could order a bit more for later. I decided this could be my contribution to the situation.

I found a tutorial on Youtube and gathered my supplies. The desk in my living room that just one week earlier I had considered selling from lack of use, quickly became the perfect sewing station. I took out my fabric and began cutting. Twelve hours later, I pried myself from the machine and made myself go to bed. The next morning I made my coffee and took over where I had left off. It was 3 hours later before I realized that my coffee sat cold on the desk next to my pin cushion, untouched. Completely immersed in this project, I had forgotten everything else around me. I honestly can’t recall the last time I had been so absorbed in a project. It felt good and again like I was coming back home to myself.

I posted my first mask results on Facebook and suddenly the calls started coming in. Before I knew it, people were dropping off fabric and supplies at my door. For some, the fabric they brought was in exchange for masks, others in appreciation for what I was doing with hope that their contribution could somehow be a part of the effort to help. We kept our social distance in the exchanges. No hugs were given, but the love was obvious. My heart was happy. Not only had I found a purpose and a focus during this crazy time, I had actually found peace and joy. Yes, Joy. During a time when social media is filled with conspiracy theories, political dramas, death and anxiety, I found joy and peace and a purpose.

I made over 60 masks before I had to just stop. School was back in session and I had other things that I needed to focus on. There was still a pile of masks ready to be sewn, but I needed to rest. Knowing that my energy tends to come in waves, the rush of activity, followed by extreme rest, followed again by another rush, I let the rest come.

After a couple of days of rest, I felt the anxiety beginning to return, so I decided to start running again after not running for over 5 years. Though most of my favorite spots are closed off to parking, there are still a few places I know I can go when I want to get out into nature. It was surprising how good it felt to be running again. I thought it would be more painful, but as my body warmed up I found myself in that familiar meditative rhythm of my steps and my mind began to clear. I realized then that I can’t go back to the way things have been. The schedule I had been keeping has not allowed me to do the things that bring me into this space. While I can’t just quit working for good, I can simplify my life and go about things in a way that are more in alignment with who I really am.

It is still uncertain what will happen in the weeks to come as we adjust to the new normal in the world around us. I know that for me this time at home has helped me to put a lot of things into perspective. I have come back to the things that matter the most, but most of all I have come home to myself. As I move forward into the unknown, I am comforted by the memories that the poppies and the butterflies bring. I hear the messages from Scott and my grandmother and I know what to do. I will go to the things that bring me peace and always remember to hold my head up and walk with grace.

As always, thank you for reading. With so much love and gratitude. Namaste