Hitting the Snooze Button on 2020

I rolled out of bed this morning, resisting the urge to hit the snooze button, when I remembered the commitment I had made to myself last year. I had committed to getting up early each morning so that I could write my morning pages and work on my book before I started my day. Somewhere I had read that hitting the snooze button was like breaking a commitment to yourself. Somewhere along the way I not only broke my commitment to myself, but I actually forgot that I had made one. I had hit the snooze button on my dream.

To be fair, 2020 brought more challenges than any of us had expected. At first I was able to continue on with my usual sunny disposition, finding positive things to focus on. To be honest, when the salons were closed the first time, I was happy for the break from my hectic schedule, finding contentment in staying at home. School continued online, so I spent much of my time studying, while taking breaks to work in my garden and sew masks for those who needed them. Hiking, road trips and romantic adventures provided a much needed distraction from the news about the pandemic, riots and election looming in the future.

My sunny disposition faded after my birthday when I was hit with a terrible case of poison oak that landed me in bed for nearly a month, drugged up on steroids and antihistamine to control the spread of the rash and the terrible itching. The weight gain from the steroids was made worse from what seemed like the whole state of California being on fire, sending us all inside to escape the unhealthy air quality caused by the smoke. The salon had again been ordered shut for the second time and so it seemed there was nothing to do but sleep and hope that I would wake up from this terrible nightmare that was unfolding before my eyes. 

In August I logged off Facebook to avoid reading about all of the mayhem in the world and threw myself full force into work to make up for the loss created by the second shutdown. School started and I was happy to have a distraction and something else to focus on. 

Happy to be able to work, we all went along with the mask mandate and found ways to work around the mask while cutting and coloring hair and helping people recover from months of isolation. This proved to have it’s challenges along with the energy of everyone being much different than before. It was also becoming evident that taking a Humanities class during a global pandemic had been a terrible choice as I was learning that humanity hasn’t learned much in the past 600 years. Never mind the repetition of plagues and fires and upheaval. This added to the heaviness of the year in a way I had could not have anticipated, making it even more difficult to keep my positive attitude. 

I managed to pull myself together for my son’s wedding in November, which was the big highlight of the year. Even though it wound up being postponed twice due to the fires and reduced to only 10 of us able to attend, they were able to pull off a beautiful ceremony with breathtaking views of Yosemite National Park. We created some wonderful memories that weekend that we will never forget. 

The next week when I showed my client the pictures from the wedding, she asked me if that was me in the picture. When I told her yes, she exclaimed “Wow! you’re really cute!”. It was then that I realized that she had never seen my face. I had started doing her hair after the first shutdown and we had only seen each other while wearing our masks. It is really strange to realize that I have clients that I wouldn’t be able to recognize on the street if I were able to see their faces.I also realized how long it had been since someone had complimented me. 

Wearing a masks has changed how we communicate. It has made me more aware of  the impressions that are formed before anything is ever said. Without facial expressions to assess someone’s mood, we are left to interpret body language and look into each other’s eyes which are much more telling of our inner world. Smiling with our eyes and doing the dance of the now familiar air hug when running into old friends, is the new normal. I miss hugs most of all. I dream of things returning to normal so I can again take in the features of my friend’s faces and hug them more tightly than usual, never again taking the affection for granted.  

Like most people, I am happy to have 2020 behind me, though I am happy to know that as I enter 2021 that we are all healthy and I have added a daughter and a puppy to my family. My boys are both reaching for the stars and are making me proud everyday.  It is hard to believe that both of my children are now grown men and one is married and getting ready to move away. 

2020  took me to my knees and effectively chewed me up and spit me out to finally land upright and center where I had started. This time with a new awareness. This morning my first thought was that I didn’t need to get up this early and then I remembered that commitment that I had made to myself a year ago. I turned off my alarm, resisted hitting the snooze and I rolled out of bed and set to write my morning pages. Incidentally, I have kept my commitment of writing these pages for over a year now. I realize that I haven’t lost track of my dream. I had just hit the ultimate snooze button on a year that is best remembered as a bad dream.  As I wake up in the year 2021 I pick up my pen and begin again to make my dream a reality.