Author
All remaining behind are these,
boxes, books, and photos you left.
No longer light of day to see.
Kept safe, secure, no fear of theft.
Love letters, words, long forgotten.
Long before what would come to pass.
Now I come, to sit with you often.
Next to your urn upon the grass.
And look at what remains are these,
things in boxes to remember.
The memories that no one sees
from our hearts in that September.
I keep them safe, so that I may
look again and recall the day.
Today my day started in the usual way. I went to the kitchen to make my coffee, then opened my laptop to see what new assignments I had waiting for me. First up this morning, English. I was assigned to read an essay titled “Unmothered” by Ruth Margalit. In this essay the author talks about how she used various works of literature to put words to the grief she felt from her mother’s death. She writes “…grief keeps odd hours. The most painful moment at the most abstract moment”. Ha! I thought, that was kind of like going to do your homework and being confronted with an essay on grief. The most abstract moment, indeed! Taking a deep breath, I continue to read. Margalit describes herself as being “Unmothered”, not motherless. She explains that since she no longer had a mother she could no longer participate in things like Mother’s Day, but that it was different than being motherless. She felt that her mother was still very much with her in everything that she did and therefore she was actually not without her. As I read the essay I considered the assignment which was to asses our own state of Motheredness or Fatheredness. I thought about the boys and how they lost their dad and yet he is still very much a part of our lives. On Father’s Day we find ourselves in the awkward reality that none of us have a father who is still alive, and much like the author can’t quite participate in the usual events of the day. So, we do the only thing that makes sense to us, we honor their dad by making his favorite food, tacos, and we dedicate the dinner to his memory.
I finish up the reading, write my discussion post, then decide that I need to take a break. Taking my favorite escape route, I log onto Facebook and moments later I’m scrolling through memories of what happened on this day for the past 9 years. The memories that popped up seemed somewhat profound and timely after what I had just read and the feelings I was trying to escape from.
The first picture that pops up is a picture of Scott from 8 years ago today. We had gone out to the movies that night. This might seem insignificant except for the fact that just one week before this picture was taken, Scott had been diagnosed with ALS. In the face of what was to come, the date was not only our attempt to stay positive but also a way distract ourselves from this terrible situation, a way to hold onto what we still had together.
The next picture I scroll past was taken one year later on this day in 2012. It’s a picture of Scott and the boys out for a walk. The boys were walking alongside of him while he was now riding along in his power chair.
There was a second picture of him coming down the hill at the school where we went to let the kids play. It was funny to remember this walk because as long as I could remember I always had trouble keeping up with Scott when we would go for walks because he was so much taller than me and his stride was much longer. I would often get frustrated at how he wouldn’t slow down so that we could talk while we walked, but instead would walk ahead leaving me behind. We set out of the house on that day for the first time with his new power chair. He was really excited to be able to get out of the house into the fresh air and go out into the neighborhood. It might seem that given his situation he would have wanted to stay beside me and talk while we walked along, but this wasn’t the case. True to form, the moment he was out of the driveway he was off, going just fast enough so that I couldn’t keep up. I remember laughing out loud at this. He wasn’t going to let being in a wheelchair keep him from going about business as usual. The kids ran ahead to join him and I let him be. He was free.
The last picture was taken 2 years later on the same day in 2014. This one is of the boys running to the ocean ahead of me. After having a particularly rough week, I packed up the car and the kids and headed to the beach, where I hoped we could reconnect with nature, ourselves and each other. I remember the long car ride filled with fussing, fighting and grumbling about being in the car for so long. It was a rough drive, but the moment the car door opened and their feet hit the ground, happiness took over and they ran as fast as they could towards the water. I remember the feeling of relief wash over me as I watched them run ahead, filled with joy and laughter.
It’s not lost on me that by the time the last picture was taken, Scott had been gone for nearly 2 years. “Unfathered”, I thought. The picture staring at me like an exclamation point! My heart sank as the realization set in. Then I take another look through the pictures, and I see that in each one we were able to find peace and even joy on some of the darkest of days. Then I realize that all of the synchronicities of the morning were just a way for Scott to send a sweet hello, and a gentle reminder to find joy in every moment.
A couple of weeks ago someone said to me, “No matter what happens, you will be ok. You are resilient”. I always cringe a little when someone says that to me. It brings me back to being a child and overhearing my mother talking to a friend on the phone. She said, “Bonnie is handling the new school so well. She is strong and always goes with the flow.” She was referring to our most recent move. That was just the beginning. By the time I was 25 I had lived in 5 different states, never spending more than 4 years in any one home. Hearing my mom say those words that day put a lot of internal pressure on me that I carry to this day. I have always felt like I wasn’t allowed to be anything but strong. My mom didn’t know how lonely I felt and how hard it was to make new friends everywhere I went. Never having long term friendships, I learned early on how to deal with things by myself because I didn’t feel I had anyone to turn to. I always wished I could just break down and just stop. Instead I pushed those feelings aside and moved forward. This was interpreted as being strong…being resilient.
I had a conversation with a client today. I don’t know exactly what lead us to talking about it, but she was asking me questions about ALS and how it all started for Scott. She wanted to know how he came to find out that he had ALS and how long it was between him being diagnosed and him passing away. I shared things about how his disease progressed and things I had completely forgotten. I talked for the whole time her hair processed and probably told her more than she had bargained for when she began asking me questions. She listened patiently and she said, “That must have been very difficult for you to deal with.” Difficult doesn’t even begin to describe it. I finished her hair, cleaned up my station and left the salon for the day. I cried the whole way home, turning it over in my head.
When I arrived home, I found it was empty, which is becoming the norm these days. The quiet is starting to get to me. It seems that in 6 years I have gone from this extreme situation where I had no time to even think, to a quiet house and nobody to cook dinner for. I’m spinning my wheels trying to get my footing in this new reality and it all seems so unreal and so senseless. All of that effort and work to be left alone to figure out what is next for myself. I’m not sure what the point of it is. I feel like I don’t quite belong. My kids have their own lives now and I find myself sitting here waiting for them to have an empty moment in their day and hoping that they would want to spend that moment with me. Instead I have this empty house and no real reason to be here. I miss my family time. I don’t know what to do with myself and my friends are all busy with their own lives that I don’t quite belong in either. This is the story in my head. The thoughts that I need to rearrange. Most days I head to my yoga mat, but today I changed my clothes and got back in my car and I hit the trails.
I walked to the river and as I walked I turned my thoughts to gratitude. I thought of all the things that are working in my life. I reassure myself that I am not actually alone, and that I have friends and family and people who care that I can reach out to anytime I am ready. It is what I have done for years and as usual, it worked. I was then able to clear my head and I began to feel better. I walked back up the hill to my car feeling calm and more centered.
It might seem that by taking this step that I have handled myself well. The thing is though, I’ve never been able to share these feelings with the boys and therefore, this habit of holding it together has resulted in a family that cannot cry together. We cannot bear to open the wound of grief for fear of burdening each other with our own pain. So instead, we avoid it all together. Opting instead to share only the happy memories and steering clear of the elephant in the room of what went down and how we feel about it. I have little idea of how the boys have processed the loss of their dad and their own accounts of what happened. They have found ways to process and deal with things on their own. I see them being strong and holding themselves together very well given the circumstances. I also see that in my inability to have better communication about our loss, I have unintentionally passed the baton of resilience to my kids.
The side of resilience that is not seen by the outside world is the side that is screaming inside. Everyone sees the well composed, calm, smiling face. Rarely does anyone witness the raw and very real emotions. The tear streaked face that is screaming in the car because it is the only place that no one will hear. The texts intending to reach out that get deleted out of fear of exposing anyone to the reality of my emotions. Feeling it isn’t the appropriate time to reach out because even well meaning friends have lives too and don’t want burdened with my troubles. Instead, I answer their call and listen and support them. I hang up the phone without letting them know any of what is happening with me because they are having a rough day of their own.
I wonder if being resilient is even strong at all. It would take more strength to express my feelings and be real, rather than living in fear of the reaction people would have to what is actually going on in my head. I often think that the real brave people are the ones who lose their shit and don’t give a fuck what people think of it. Of course everyone thinks they are the crazy ones. I am beginning to think that it is crazy to hold it together. It isn’t a normal response to smile through tears and move on as though nothing is happening inside or to make others laugh rather than share the reality of your feelings. I wonder if that is why people who commit suicide often have families that never saw it coming. They never knew what was going on in the mind of the person who seemed to have it all together.
I often come to my yoga mat needing to straighten my thoughts out and clear my energy so that I can keep moving forward. I have had many yoga teachers talk about carrying what we learn on our mat into our daily lives. What that has meant to me seems contrary to their intention. The instructors are good at reminding us that this is our practice and that we can stop and rest when we want to. Then at some point in the middle of the practice when it is getting really hard, they tell us to stick with it and to not give up. We are then meant to carry that idea into the real world and be strong through the difficult times and not give up. My thought is always “I don’t have to.” It’s my rebellion. All I want is to stop a minute to catch my breath, to rest and regroup before going to the next thing. I know that I am allowed to do that on my mat and at times it is the only place I have been able to allow myself that grace. What I take with me from my practice is to allow myself the same grace in real life. The grace to stop and take a breath.
I have spent the past few weeks writing and rewriting this blog post. It started out being all about the recent trials and tribulations and how I manage to keep myself above water emotionally. Then I realized that it isn’t about holding onto a story and turning it over and over in your head until I can tell it just right. It’s ok if the story is messy, because life is messy. It isn’t about pushing my emotions away, but rather about feeling them and then letting them go. Remembering to take a minute to breathe and allowing myself the grace to just stop. Being brave and sharing my feelings with those who will listen. It is trusting that things will work out. It’s knowing things are better around the corner and that I will find my way because I always have. It is refusing to give up even though I want to crumble inside, because I know… I am Resilient.
4/26/2018
Dear Scott,
I haven’t written in a while. I have been wanting to and while I have sat down a few times to start, the words didn’t come. It’s just too much to write. It has been a big year so far with Sam turning 16 and getting his driver’s license, and Alex turning 18 and graduating next month! So many things I want to talk to you about. I know you see it all. I also see you shining through the boys in all that they do. I know you are proud of them.
6 years ago I made you a promise. I promised to protect the boys. I also promised to keep you alive in our home and our hearts so that the boys would always know you. You were afraid they would forget…
Remember when I first moved here and you would take me hiking? How I would get so nervous just getting out on the trails with you and how I would beg you to turn around because we would have to walk uphill on the way back and I knew I would never make it? How you would make me crazy having to stop every 5 minutes to take a picture that would take you forever to line up just right? Can you believe that I actually love the hills now? That I crave to be on the trail alone?! That it’s actually where I find the most peace?… Lately I have been taking the boys out on hikes with me. They actually want to go too! What’s really interesting is that Alex enjoys the exploration part and wants to go the distance, and Sam enjoys stopping to take photos and capturing the sunsets. Sound familiar? You have managed to leave them here to torture me properly! Haha!! Just kidding…
We decided to take a trip to the coast because Sam wanted to capture a special picture for you to post on Instagram, Alex wanted to explore and hike and I wanted for the 3 of us to be together. I think we all needed a moment to pause from our day to day to remember…
Anyways, today we explored a new place for all of us. We hiked in Mt. Tamalpias State Park. I had to find a trail that we could all be happy with so we wound up doing a 4 mile loop that gave us a mix of everything. It was so beautiful!!! It went from the forest to the ocean and back again. As we hiked out of the forest and got our first glimpse of the ocean I remembered when you first told me about the coast of Northern California, you said it was “Where the forest meets the sea”. Today I got to share that with the boys. I made sure to bore them with every other detail I could think of that you shared with me about whatever else I could think of too lol. We had a good time. We also got on each other’s nerves. I enjoyed it all. It was good to be together, just us. There are no words to express how I feel today, so I will leave with this. We miss you, Scott. You will never be forgotten. You will forever be in our hearts. I Promise.
Love You Always,
Bonnie
26, 2016
Dear Scott,
It’s been a while since I have written, I guess that’s good in a way…
It’s been 4 years now and it is hard to believe that much time has passed. The past year so many things have happened and I am sitting here today feeling like I wanted to share with you what’s been going on. It seems silly to write to you since I am sure you see everything but just humor me, you were always so good at that…
To begin with can you believe Alex just turned 16!! You would be so proud of him. As you know he had a rough couple of years. There was a point when I was so worried I was going to lose him too. This year things are really getting better. He has this teacher for math who he has made a wonderful connection with and I think is helping him come around. He is working on getting straight A’s and has taken it upon himself to meet with his counselors and teachers and work out what he needs to do to get into Sac State. He is so motivated and mature about it. You would be impressed. I can’t believe how much he is built like you. Sometimes he will do something and there is something in the expression or the way he moves that makes me take a step back. It’s like having a piece of you still here. It’s pretty cool.
Sam is doing so good too! He started wrestling this year and has settled into a tight group of friends. Good friends, who are going in the right direction. Somehow I was able to help steer him away from the group that was brining him down. He is making all A’s now too! It’s funny the reason why he is motivated but I know you will laugh because you know how motivated he is by food! His teacher said she would buy him his own large pizza if he makes straight A’s! It is brilliant that she figured him out so fast!! He’s like “I’m going to get straight A’s so she will buy me a pizza!” Hey, whatever gets him going, right? lol Alex has been lecturing him about making good choices for his classes when he gets to Placer and how he really screwed up the first two years and now he is having to double up and work harder to get to where he wants to go. It is sweet to see what a good big brother he has become.
It’s funny how many people I have run into in the past couple of weeks that didn’t know you had passed or just have brought you up or brought up your illness. Sometimes it is hard to bring all that up but sometimes I think it is just maybe your way of reminding me what we have been through so I can see how far we have come… I don’t know if that makes sense…
I know you had a hard time letting me go and how you were worried about me bringing someone else into the boys lives but you had eventually given me your blessing to move on. Do you remember that dream you had? I remember you telling me that you dreamt that I was dating after you were gone and that I was with some guy “Larry the janitor” you called him. I remember us laughing about that in the kitchen. I remember thinking that sounded horrible! You had said it was ok that I could have “Larry the janitor” if I wanted him. LOL Dating has left a lot to be desired, I must say. It’s funny the things you don’t see until later, the things you don’t appreciate until they are gone. Lately I realize that you never hesitated to love me. Mostly though I realize that you were never threatened by my strength, but instead found ways to show me my strength when I didn’t see it myself. You supported and nurtured and encouraged me to be stronger than I knew I could be. I realize now how incredibly rare that is to find…
We were really sad to hear about Mark passing… My hope is that he found you and you two are having the best time raising hell and blasting Led Zeplin. I mentioned this to Sam and his response was “Hell yeah they are! and with Jasmine and Zues too!” He made me laugh to remember Zues and Jasmine! But I am sure he is right. That is how I like to think of it…
We were going to sell the house and have decided to stay another year and revisit it then. In the meantime I have had some work done on it! Finally removed that horrible siding! I know you liked it but I always hated it. Sorry, but I won haha!! I had it painted to look better and then it just started to warp and then pieces were flying off in the storms! LOL So it is gone now. It looks great though, doesn’t even look like the same house! I think you would like it even though you wouldn’t have chosen it.
I never know what to do when this anniversary comes around. The kids like me to make tacos since they were your favorite. I couldn’t find any iris so I found some sunflowers to put out back. I know they are one of your favorites. It never seems enough, so I write…
Thanks for listening to me go on and on… there is so much more to say but I don’t want to go on all day. Just wanted to let you know we are doing well and are always thinking of you and will always send love your way. Love and miss you so much. Say hi to Mark for us… and Jasmine and Zues…
Love, Bonnie
3 Years ago Scott showed me this picture online of this hand carved granite bird bath urn that he wanted me to buy to put his ashes in after he passed away. He asked to be put under the tree in the back yard so that he could be in his favorite place with the birds and to be close to us. After he passed I purchased this “urn” only to find that there was no place to put his ashes. I looked back to the place I bought it and realized it said “Flower Urn or Bird Bath”. We had assumed that Urn meant something for ashes but this had just been another word for flower pot. So, unsure what to do and not being in the best frame of mind to send it back (it was extremely heavy etc) I put it under the tree and put his ashes in my closet until I could figure it out. Well, two weeks ago I decided it was time to deal with it, thanks from some encouragement from a friend I started to come up with a plan. I was able to seal his ashes into the pot and the design on the top is made from some of his favorite sheets of stained glass that he used in his art. He had a love affair with glass. I never saw him happier than when he would stare at these sheets of glass with the light shining through it. He loved the streaks and the texture and everything about it. The boys helped me with the design and we chose his favorite pieces and colors. It’s crazy that it took me three years to do this but I am pleased at how it all came together. I am so happy to have finally laid him to rest and know that I carried out his wishes. Just wanted to share this and how it came out. Thanks for taking a look.
Dear Scott,
I am writing to you today because I realize that you are the only one who can really understand what I am feeling today. After all, you were the only one in the room when we conceived our children. You were the first person I told when the test came back positive, the first person who was to share in the excitement. The one who stayed by my side the whole two days of labor with Alex and rubbed my forehead while they cut open my belly each time I gave birth. You were first one to see their faces and take those awful bloody pictures before the umbilical cord was even cut. The first to change a diaper and hold them. The one who laid Alex on the bed after we brought him home from the hospital and stood next to me as we stared and said “Now What?!”. We laughed because we really didn’t know. We couldn’t believe they let us bring him home, remember?
Remember the eyes and smile you drew on the dry erase board that looked just like Alex, that we left on that board for years until one day we decided it was time to take it down? Sometimes I still look at Alex and see that face you drew. Can you see it too? Do you remember how you would never question what I did all day and why was the place such a mess and what is for dinner, but instead would gladly take the kids from me and give me a much needed break? I do.
I am writing to you today because I knew you would understand why I needed to take a day to myself today. For me grief is like a stomach virus. It kind of comes in waves out of the blue. Just when you think all is well, you are doubled over heaving again and wondering when it is going to stop. It’s been a while since the last time, but it’s back. It’s back today because it is March, our babies were born in March…I know you know… So here I am writing to you…
I wanted to tell you about Sam’s birthday. It was a nice relaxing day just the way he wanted it. We had cake for breakfast and later he went to the movies with his friends. He didn’t want me to go with him. After all he is 13 now!! Can you believe it?! He went to see a horror movie even though I pointed out to him that he doesn’t usually like them and asked him if he was sure. He went anyways and then afterwards he told me that he couldn’t believe he decided to do that and now he was terrified and may never sleep again! You know how he is with scary movies. It was pretty funny. You would laugh.
Alex’s birthday is coming up next. I’m so proud of him. I know you would be too. It has been a hard year for him. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if I could actually get through it. He is coming around though! And we are getting along pretty well too. I know it used to drive you crazy how we would always butt heads. You were the only person who could smooth things over with him sometimes. It’s been the hardest thing of all for us to make peace with the fact that you aren’t here to help us with that anymore. We are learning to be better to each other though and I think you would be impressed.
You know, it’s hard doing this by myself. The hardest part about it though, is knowing that I can’t share these events with you. I can’t see the look of appreciation in your eyes , and hear you tell me your memory of when they were little and remember things I forgot. I wish you could be here with me and sit back and take it all in and remember when…
I don’t want for you to be worried about me though. The boys and I are doing really well. There are so many good and exciting things happening right now, but I will need to save that for another day. I feel kind of silly now, writing you a letter. I’m sure you see everything that’s happening already. I do somehow feel better though, so I guess that is good. I just needed to share some of my memories with you. I have been sharing a lot of them with the kids and some they get a kick out of and they just roll their eyes at the others. Some though, I just hold for myself. They are mine now and I will keep them safe for us tucked away in my heart to look at them when I want to remember when…I know you know what I mean<3
I woke up this morning and realized it was 4 years ago today when I heard ALS for the first time. Scott had gone into the doctor a few days before because he had been slurring his words, he sounded drunk, but hadn’t been drinking. The doctor had ordered a brain scan and said they would be in touch. So when he got the call that he needed to come in to hear the results we were a little nervous. I will never forget the look on the doctor’s face as he delivered the news to us. Never forget standing in the pouring rain holding each other in shock of what we had just been told. Having Scott tell me he read about it online and how it was “grim”. The days that follow spent screaming and crying when alone and laying in bed awake all night just holding each other in shock. Our life as we knew it was over.
The year that followed was for sure the hardest of my life. I lost my best friend one piece at a time. There were things I learned though… I learned to love in a way I never knew possible. I learned laughter was the best medicine ever even if it didn’t make sense at the time. I found a connection with Scott that I had never had in our 15 years together. We found peace together in the middle of the storm. I learned that help comes in ways you never expect and often anonymously. That people come into your life at exactly the right moments when you need them the most. That community is everything and I have the best community ever!
We learned that in the end it doesn’t matter what your credit score is, what kind of car you drive or what your house is like compared to your friend’s. It doesn’t matter if your house is cleaned or if your kids get good grades. What matters is what is in your heart. Have you said what you want to say to the people you love the most? Are you at peace in your own heart? Have you done the things you want to do? Are you happy?
This picture was taken 3 months before Scott was diagnosed with ALS. It was at a friend’s wedding. We don’t have many pictures of the 4 of us together. It’s the last picture we had together as a family. It was a beautiful wedding and a wonderful time spent with friends and I will never forget it.
I’m not writing this today because I’m sad about things. I’m writing it in hopes of inspiring others to live life now. Don’t wait until something happens to inspire you to do something amazing, do it now!
Wishing all my friends and family a very Happy New Year! May it be filled with love, laughter and pure joy! I wouldn’t be where I am today without each and everyone of you! I love you all very much! ❤ As always, thanks for reading. 🙂
I originally started this blog because my husband was diagnosed with ALS and I wanted a place to share with family and friends what was happening with him and us. I continued with it as an outlet for my healing and have had hopes of helping people somehow with sharing my experiences.
When it was all going down I didn’t feel very free to write all the gory details of the day to day stuff. I felt that I needed very much to preserve as much dignity as I could for Scott. As much as exposing the reality of this disease could bring awareness I didn’t want him to feel so exposed. So I shared what I could and We carried on.
In recent days the whole ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has been all over the media. I am thrilled that there has been so much attention being brought to an illness that when Scott was diagnosed We knew nothing about. They know so little about this disease and some 70 years after Lou Gehrig passed away from this disease, they still don’t know what causes it. It can affect anyone at any age. So the awareness hopefully will bring the much needed money to study it and hopefully get some answers and find a cure.
It has been difficult for me to have this all over my news feed everyday. I get drawn into watching the videos and some of them are of people who are living with the disease themselves or are caring for someone who is or who have lost loved ones. I know I could just block these things because they are too painful but I watch the videos anyways. It is heart breaking. I find that for the first time I am seeing what we went through. I mean, I know what we went through, I was there, I lived it and it was hellish to say the least. But I don’t think I really could see it until the past couple of days. I think I just carried on from one task to the next and one day after another and couldn’t really see the whole of what was happening. I’m getting a better picture of things now and I’m suddenly not sure how we got through all that. For us though it all happened very fast. We were just beginning to really get our heads around it and it was then over.
It has occurred to me in the past couple of days that it is time to tell our story. Rather than the after story. It is time to tell how things unfolded for us after Scott was diagnosed. I am hoping that this will bring a better understanding of what it is like for someone with this disease and for the family and friends who are affected by it. And I think I just need to get it out. I will be doing this in parts. This is all for now. Please feel free to pass this along to anyone who you feel might benefit from reading and please as always I welcome feedback. Much love to all of you <3.
What does it mean to love yourself? We are told to love ourselves first. “You have to love yourself to be able to love another person.” Then we are given the mixed message of not to be self centered or full of ourselves. How else can we love ourselves unless we focus on ourselves?” Treat yourself as you would treat someone you really love.” How do we know what that means unless we love someone else? Unless we have felt what it means to be loved, how do we know how to love another? So which can really come first? To really love someone else fully might require us to allow them to fully love us. If we can not love ourselves we can’t allow ourselves to be loved fully by others, to take it in, feel it, believe it, feel worthy of it, and really receive it. It feels good to give love. And I do think we should give love without any expectation of how it is received and certainly without expectation of getting love in return. However to give love to someone who really receives it is really awesome.
I have been really working on the idea of self love for a while now. I am finding out what that means to me. At first it was a matter of honoring my body and neither pushing myself too hard or allowing myself to become stagnant. Listening to my body and really giving it what it needs in the moment. Sometimes that means resting in yoga or taking a day off of running. Sometimes that means running when I really don’t feel motivated. Sometimes it means staying in a yoga pose even when I’m not motivated to stay in it. Sometimes that is really what I need. Lately it has meant realizing that while I can love and accept my body while carrying the extra 10 pounds, I am not loving myself in keeping 10 extra pounds on me when it doesn’t make me feel good and interferes with my health. It’s realizing that the self talk has gotten bad and I need to begin telling myself good things, even if I don’t believe those things at first. Sometimes it means going to the back row in yoga, to stay out of the mirror so I can focus on me inside and not be hard on myself for what I look like on the outside. Loving myself anyways. How would I treat me if I were my best friend? I would love myself anyways. I would encourage myself to see my strengths and not focus on the weaknesses. I would say “get out of that mirror if it upsets you so much” “get outside and get some fresh air and sunshine, get in the river, laugh and play more”.
I was going through pictures the past few days looking for pictures of Scott and the boys for a father’s day post for Facebook. In doing so I realized that Scott took a lot of pictures. He isn’t in many of them of course because he was the picture taker and not the other way around. So finding these pictures was a lot of work. He took tons of pictures of the boys growing up. He took a million pictures of me. I never really noticed how many pictures he took of me. I know that most of the time I really didn’t want my picture taken, I always felt fat or ugly or something… I have a zit.. I’m in my sweats…I don’t have any makeup on… wait, I’m not ready…
He took a million pictures of me, and I think for the first time I saw them… I could see how he saw me.. I was looking at myself through the eyes of someone who really loved me. He wasn’t one to tell me I was beautiful or really much of anything about my appearance. I would ask if I looked ok and he would always reply “you look fine”. When pressed as to why he doesn’t say anything he would reply “you always look good, I don’t need to tell you”. Probably the sweetest thing he ever said was a couple of months after giving birth for the first time and before my waistline returned to normal, I was fretting over what it all looked like and he put his hand on my stomach and said ” I love your belly, it’s where our baby came from.” He was like that. he didn’t often say much, but when he did it was real and from the heart. Unfortunately I didn’t often feel that same love for myself and most of the time I never really believed him, either that I looked good or that he thought that I did. Looking in reverse and seeing all the millions of pictures he took of me I realize that he really must have thought so. It could look to someone looking in like he was obsessed with capturing pictures of me. Most of the pictures were not of me posing for the camera and I know that I probably hated these pictures at the time because of that very fact. I needed to be in control of what I looked like in the picture. He photographed me sleeping a lot… or eating… reading…knitting…cooking working in the garden. I would say I look terrible in these pictures and he would say ” but it’s real life”. Looking at the pictures now I realize I don’t look terrible at all. I wish I looked like that now. I can see how perfect my skin was, how much thicker my hair was, what great shape I was in for some of them and I know damn well that I thought I was fat in ever single one of them. It was more than that though. He captured ME, the REAL ME, my essence exactly as I was and I was perfect then. Then it begins to settle in what if I am perfect now? Perfectly imperfect. And so I begin to see myself through the eyes of my loving husband. I begin to look at me just a little different. So I continue to reshape my thoughts….
I accept myself the way I am… flaws and all
I am beautiful the way I am.
But no one is perfect… I am perfect
Everything is exactly as is needs to be
Be beautiful… let go of the need to be beautiful
Love yourself
I begin to affirm…
I am Love
I am Beauty
I am Strength
I am Real
Love
Love
Love
I expand…
Shine your light
Allow light in
Give love
Allow love in
Really receive love
Really give love
Really love yourself
Know what it means to love yourself
Be your own best friend
Best friends are honest
Best friends are nice
Best friends are real
Best friends are present
Love yourself first
Love others so you can love yourself
Teach yourself to love yourself by loving others the way you want to be loved
Teach others to love you by loving yourself first
Love yourself the way that you would love someone else if only you could love fully… if only you loved yourself first
Which came first the chicken or the egg?
Love came first…
I was pruning my flowers back today and I was thinking about all of this love business and personal growth stuff. I thought about how you trim off the dead flowers and branches. This helps the plant by allowing the plant to focus it’s energy on new growth as opposed to the old dead growth. It would eventually fall off on its own but in caring for the plant we help by removing the old stuff for it. In doing this it allows the plant to grow to be even better than if it were left alone. I realized that as people we are the same. We have these old patterns or beliefs that no longer serve us but we tend to carry them around and continue to give them energy. If we can let these things go, we can instead focus on growing new healthier parts of ourselves. Sometimes these things can fall away on their own and sometimes we need someone to help us pull them off. That is what we do when we love each other. Scott was really good at loving me just the way I was and helping by encouraging me to let go of things at times and showing me things about myself that I didn’t know and helping me to grow. The pictures he left me are a huge gift in helping me to see that. Perhaps I can now see these things because I do love myself.
So, I’m not sure of the whole concept anymore of ” in order to love another we need to love ourselves first”, but I do know that we need to love ourselves and love one another. It may help to be loved first if for no other reason to be able to see that we really are lovable. It is a big circle. The more we love the more love we have and who doesn’t want more love? Sounds good to me! So until next time, much love to you and thank you for reading. ❤
