Author: bonnielouwriter

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about this concept lately. It seems to come up a lot with people I know who are on a similar path as myself and I have heard it come up in yoga class as well. Being Authentic. What does that mean exactly and how authentic should one really be.

One day about 3 years ago my yoga  teacher brought up the subject of  someone asking you how you are doing. How is it that you respond? Do you give a knee jerk response and smile and say “great! and you?” when that may not be the case or do you check into yourself and respond honestly and be authentic.  Maybe you really just aren’t having the best day, do you say that? It is something that I have been thinking about since then and I work on this on a regular basis. This same teacher walked into class a couple of months ago and said to me “Hey Bonnie! How’s it going?” and I was having a great day and I said “Great!” and he stopped and said “Really?” and I smiled and checked into myself and said “Yeah, I really am great today, why?” and he just said “just making sure”. A couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for class and one of the other students asked me the same question and I was having a really rough week and it had taken everything I had to get myself to class that day, so  I said “I’m OK” with very little enthusiasm and she responded “Well! that wasn’t very convincing!”. I was a bit taken aback and since I wasn’t doing too well ,I responded somewhat sarcastically “Well, sorry!” I just didn’t think I should have to pretend to be good when I clearly wasn’t good.

I haven’t had to work on it from the angle of asking the question and really wanting to know. I really want to know when I ask “how are you doing”. It is one of my pet peeves when someone clearly gives the knee jerk response. Equally annoying are the people who ask and never wait for your reply, simply moving on. Why ask if you don’t really want to know? I have actually sat and paused and had people not even notice that I didn’t answer their question.

When it comes to being authentically who I am though, that is something that has come with time and as much as I do feel I am “what you see is what you get” I am finding lately that this may not be the case. It is interesting how I feel like I can write so openly about what is going on with me inside on this blog and I can talk to people  pretty openly about things that have happened in my life, but there have been times that I haven’t been able to say what I really need to say to someone.

Recently my son went though some things that brought this up right into my face. Here is someone that I love more than life itself. My kids are my whole world and without them I really don’t know where I would be today. However I do find that at times it is hard to just be real with them. And who deserves that more? Who else is looking to me for so much. Why can I  be open and honest with everyone but them?  I think I need to hold it all together and be strong for them. It’s like I don’t really have the luxury of falling apart. Well, the situation forced me to get real. It forced me to talk to them about things that I had no idea how to approach and things that were pretty uncomfortable. There was a lot of fear of how many directions things could go wrong. In the end it worked out well that I had handled things the way I did and the situation actually brought us all closer together. It was through allowing myself to be real and reach out to friends and neighbors and admitting that I was in over my head with the situation that I was able to get through it the way that I did.

But how Authentic should we be? I mean, does the person who asks you how you are deserve to drown in your problems? Do your kids really benefit from every story of your childhood? Does everyone on Facebook really want to hear about your healing, your running, how much you like pesto and what exactly your garden is doing today? How much of all that is really who you are? Is it being unauthentic when you choose to hold back because you are scared to death of rejection even when the reality is that you don’t want to hold back at all.  Would pushing past that fear actually be authentic or is it authentic to live in fear? Maybe you are just a fearful person and that is just as valid. Or is the authenticity in being open about that fear, about being transparent? Reaching out and talking to someone about how terrified you are.  Allowing someone to witness you just as you are. How you really are.

One thing that I do know is that the more I make the choice to just be real I am always amazed at how many times people will comment that it helped them in some way. Being authentic and expressing your fear, allowing yourself to be fearful and to feel vulnerable can be very helpful. Not only for yourself in that expressing this might get you the perspective or help that you need to move through a situation, but also  to the person who is able to witness and help. It can show each other that we are all struggling with things and maybe it is ok to be real and maybe not try to be perfect, but just be. Just be human. And for once just be ok with who you are in that moment.

Thanks for everyone who reads this, those who follow and those who don’t. Thanks for witnessing my reality and taking a peak inside. I know how much it helps me to reach out in this way and my hope is that in doing so it might reach someone and help them too. With much love ❤ thanks for reading.

A week ago I signed off of Facebook, deactivated my account and logged off. I wasn’t really sure why except I felt that I needed to take a break and have more face to face interactions. Less scrolling and more doing. On Saturday (day 5 of the journey) I was sitting out back drinking my coffee (I recently started drinking coffee again too) when I realized I was just staring into my yard contemplating. It was such a strange feeling when I realized that it has been a long time since I had done that, but that I used to do that all the time. I would sit and look around trimming hedges in my head, pulling a weed or two , visualizing a new thing here or there. Then I would get up and starting doing those things. I would work for a while aimlessly going from thing to thing and then stop, get more coffee and sit again and start all over again.  I used to be comfortable being with myself, content to just be. Comfortable in my time alone, mostly because those moments were rare, a novelty.

On top of giving up Facebook, my boys were gone with their uncle for the weekend and I had no plans.  I haven’t been seeing anyone and all my friends were busy doing other things. The universe had plans for me to be on my own and I was terrified, but up for the challenge. It was during this time that I caught myself contemplating. That is when I realized that I was actually doing ok. Perhaps the most Ok that I have been in a very long time. I realized that I have been spending a lot of time running in circles and reaching outside of myself trying to avoid being quiet. I didn’t want to see that I was alone, without a partner for the first time in my adult life.

It’s been two years since Scott passed away.  I spent most of the first year being relieved that he wasn’t suffering anymore, that none of us were. That the work of the whole situation was done.  I was exhausted and so I rested, a lot. I had accepted what had happened and saw as much of the blessing in all of it as I could.  When I wasn’t resting I was hiking or the boys and I were traveling. Anything as long as I didn’t stop for too long.

When I did stop and think I had a hard time remembering the good times. It was easier to remember how hard things were at times.  I accepted the fact that Scott and I had not always had the best marriage and maybe this was a chance to find someone who might be a more compatible match. I reached out and I dated  men with qualities I felt like Scott didn’t have and I thought that I needed. Those things were nice to find and perhaps maybe they are important qualities to have. The only problem was that there was one really big thing missing… Love.  Scott really loved me. He often loved me when I couldn’t love myself. He was the most patient man I have ever met.  He really understood me and knew me and I while he didn’t always want to talk as much as me and didn’t get my humor and would scold me for my bad language,  he loved me anyways.  It was never an issue and he always had my back. There was never a question from the first day we met wether we would still be together, not to him. He would say “we love each other, don’t worry, we will be fine”. That used to bug me, I had felt like he took me for granted, and maybe he did,  but now I realize that I had something rare. I never really appreciated a lot of things about him, about us. When things were tough in our lives that is when we were the best together and I think that is really what love is. When things get hard, you dig in and be there for each other and you don’t  give up. We really did love each other, the real kind of love the kind that most people never experience. I experienced it and never really saw it till now…

We would sit out back drinking coffee in the morning and contemplate. We would just sit in our own thoughts for a while and then we would take turns sharing our thoughts and we would dream and scheme and plan all kinds of things that we never did and a lot of things that we did do. He would usually feed the birds, (something that I just can’t seem to do) the humming birds were always his favorite…  I would putter around in the garden and then we’d  get more  coffee and sit some more and more thoughts would come and more ideas… Maybe that is why it has been so hard to just sit.  I sit and I think and then there is nobody there to listen to my crazy idea, just me, maybe the cat. The kids are almost always still in bed…So instead I would scroll and stare at the computer screen. I would see everyone else’s crazy ideas, dreams and schemes and I would  take my phone with me outside and take pictures and post them and scroll and share my thoughts here and there trying to feel a connection, but mostly avoid  feeling alone…

So I stopped, I finally just stopped. Now I am beginning the journey of diving into me and being with me. I am getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. So far I think it is actually going very well. I am starting to feel creative again and have gotten all kinds of things done and I am sleeping really well for the first time in a long while and it is getting more and more consistent.

Lately  I’ve noticed the humming birds keep coming up to me when I am out there . I have noticed the finches and the titmouse too,  I haven’t seen them all in a long while.   It makes me remember when we lived in the house before this one that we had this little family of three tufted titmouse (those are my favorite), a family of humming birds and two blue jays that were really annoying.  One morning I was at my kitchen window and this humming bird flew right up to the widow and hovered and looked right at me and I remember telling Scott that I thought it was our humming bird from the old house (we had only moved a few blocks away). He put some food out for it right away and food out back in hopes that the other birds might show up. About a week went by and these three little titmouse showed up out back. A couple weeks later there were these two blue jays causing a ruckus and the humming birds were coming around front to the feeder. We were certain it was “our birds” from the other house. So seeing the humming birds the past week or two I feel like it’s  Scott trying to send me a message. I can see him sitting and drinking his coffee with a grin on his face nodding, letting me know that it is going to be ok. Maybe it’s time to feed them and invite them back into my yard. So maybe as I contemplate I can have some company again. ❤

I’m really not sure where to start today. I look back over the past year and I think that in so many ways I am no farther along than where I started. In some ways I feel like I took a big step backwards and find myself on a more regular basis in a big dark hole or feeling like one is following me around. I have had it suggested that his is depression and I have considered this and also have been considering a visit to my therapist again. My usual means of getting myself up and feeling better haven’t really been helping. I have had some incredible days where I feel very hopeful and can see where my life is beginning to head and I can see how far I have come only to be exhausted the next few days and feel like I am starting all over again. How will I ever have the energy to live this life that I am wanting to create?

So instead of heading to my yoga mat or taking a run around the block I pick up my knitting needles and have the kids turn on a movie instead. I am really not so good at being still, but clearly my body is telling me I need to rest. I have spent a few days this week in bed when I am not running around trying to prove to myself that I am ok. Truth is that I’m not ok. I feel like I am unraveling.  Isn’t it supposed to be better right now rather than worse? Everyone says it gets easier with time. It doesn’t seem that way to me. It seems to me that it just goes to a deeper level.

As I sit this morning staring out at the ocean vew from my hotel room, I watch the waves and feel reminded of learning to be in the present moment. I have so many memories of coming to the coast with Scott.  He was the one who introduced me to the north coast of California. We made many trips and spent our honeymoon there and later took the kids on some wonderful camping trips. Now I continue to bring the kids here to make new memories and to remember.

I spend a lot of time worrying about what will happen. I’ve always been like that. Lately I worry about what will happen to the kids. Will they get through school okay? Will they become who they want to become? Will they remember their dad? Will I do a good enough job alone? How can I give them all they need? The list goes on. I have spent so much energy worrying about things over the years and this morning I was reminded that I need to be right now. I don’t know what brought me back to that, but I began remembering my biggest lesson in being present…

I knew that Scott was going to die. It was something that we came to terms with slowly. We knew it was going to happen but we didn’t know how or when. Would I wake up and find him next to me already gone?  Would he fall and hit his head and die alone while I was at work? Would he aspirate on his drink or choke on his food when I wasn’t there or worse when I was there with the kids? How would the kids handle it? The kids… My mind would go on and on with these horrible thoughts and it just got worse.

Scott and I would talk about it because he had the same worries. He wanted to be home and surrounded by family when he passed. This had been how it had been for his dad. We both were there and agreed that if you have to go that is the best way. I wanted this for him, but was very doubtful with his condition that this was going to be the case.

There were many middle of the nights when I was waken by his gasping for air and panic cries. Jolted awake to sit him up and calm him so that he was breathing normal again and feeling like we had just been lucky and bought some more time. Then there were the choking episodes and the texts when he had indeed fallen and couldn’t get up and needed me to come home to help him.  The time he had to be rescued in the canyon when he thought he could go for a hike and he fell and was stuck by the river unable to get up.  It took me, the 911 dispatcher an ambulance, firetruck, forest rangers, and a helicopter to find him and bring him out. The time that he  fell when I was home and he hit his head and he was lucky I was there because his phone wasn’t nearby and he had a pretty bad concussion. Had he been alone then it could have been so much worse. So I would worry…

It was about this time when our book club was reading The Power of Now. The book talks about the cause of suffering is from not living in the present moment but rather in the past or future. How if you are present then there is peace. This idea was further reinforced by my spiritual teachers when I would go to them fretting about what is going to happen? What will I do? They would tell me to focus on now, be present.

The funny thing about ALS for Scott was that he had an additional condition that often comes along with neurological conditions and that is where you lose your emotional filter. Scott was always pretty quiet and not very  outwardly emotional. So this new thing was interesting. He couldn’t suppress his feelings. Sometimes this was hard like when he got frustrated and would yell at us telling us things like he couldn’t stand us and wished he could just die already! Mostly though he didn’t get angry and I am grateful for that. He would often tear up at touching  moments in movies or the silly sappy commercials. The best though, was the laughter. The silliest things on TV would get him belly laughing. And I mean laughing till he was in tears and it was contagious. The boys and I would look at each other knowing full well how absurd it all was, but before we knew it we would all be laughing so hard we would have tears in our eyes and I knew then that this was a blessing. It was grace. How could we all laugh during such a rough time? What were we even laughing at anyways?!  Well, I don’t know, but we did and I’m glad we did.  And in those moments I would think “Right now we are laughing, right now he’s alive, right now all is well” and I would be at peace.

As each week passed we lived in paradox. We had so many blessings and so many very dark moments all wrapped up into odd moments of laughter and tears.  I was always grateful for the laughter. We would wind up laughing at the most unimaginable things. This would always bring me to right now. Right now we are laughing, right now things are good. Be now…

Each step prepared me for the next. First his voice. I still miss his voice.   It became harder and harder to communicate. This made me have to slow down and really listen. I still have trouble with this. Then he began losing the use of his hands and stopped being able to cook. We all still miss his cooking.  I began taking on this additional task and tried to enjoy it. Then he stopped driving. Gone were the days of him picking up the kids and making them dinner and helping with their homework so that I could work a couple of nights a week. I began arranging my schedule to pick them up and do these things.  It gave me a glimpse forward as to what it would be like to carry the load with the kids alone. Then he needed me for the more basic things in life, to eat, to bathe, the bathroom. I learned compassion from a level I never knew. All through all this he was still there supporting me as a friend. Still giving me advice and listening like always. Still there for me. Then one day I realized he just couldn’t listen anymore.  That was the hardest ever to get a glimpse of what it would be like to be alone without his support without his friendship.  And then it was real…

He passed away. He was  surrounded by his family as he had hoped. It was peaceful and we were there to say goodbye and help him go. I was not alone, he was not alone and if you have to go then I still think that is the best way to go. Nothing really prepares you and yet everything does. For all my worrying and fretting it all unfolded anyways. It all happened as it would and nothing like I would have been able to imagine.  And here I am now…

As I sit and watch the waves and listen to my kids tell stories of their dad I am reminded to be here now. I don’t know how it will all turn out but right now things are good. Right now we are all okay. Right now we are alive and happy and at peace.

Thanks for reading ❤

 

I went to yoga this morning. I laid down my mat for the 11th day in a row. It was difficult getting there this morning as I didn’t sleep well last night. I had laid in bed for hours trying to fall asleep, trying to quiet my mind. My kids had gone for a sleepover to celebrate a friend’s birthday. The house was too quiet. While I am comfortable being home alone, I like to have my kids close by. It was very uncomfortable and brought up all kinds of things that I didn’t want to think about just then. I wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to think about how much I have lost in the past two years. I didn’t want to think about how much the kids have grown and changed and how Scott would be so proud of them both and would have loved seeing just how much they have grown and changed. How I really miss his perspective and how it was so different from mine but could make sense of so much that I just don’t understand.  I didn’t want to think about how much I miss having a partner to share all of the ups and downs with. Someone who knows me sometimes more than I know myself. Someone who can see your potential and help you not be so afraid of it. I miss Scott. I miss my friend. I didn’t want to think about it but I did and I sat with it all as uncomfortable as it was and I let it all wash over me and eventually I did fall asleep.

The message today in yoga was about stepping into your full potential. Being fully who you are. What are you doing that has purpose? Scott and I had talked at length before he passed about how we had affected each others life and why we think we met and what we had helped each other with. We both felt that one of the reasons he was in my life was to set me on my path. He could see things in me that I couldn’t see. He believed in me before I could believe in myself. Since he has passed I have spent my time focusing on home and the kids and just my sanity in general, but I have gotten a bit off course as far as work and my purpose and the path that I had been set on before he passed.

What are you afraid of? What stops you from reaching your potential? These questions echo in class this morning. I have been asking myself these questions lately. This message was definitely meant for me to hear. I almost went back to sleep this morning and thought that skipping class would be ok, I mean who am I competing with anyways, right? How many days in a row do I need to come?  I had decided that since I couldn’t go back to sleep after my alarm woke me up that I should just go ahead and go. So I lay there on my mat hearing these words and I think, yeah I’m supposed to be here today. Hello, wake up!

It’s the 11th day in a row. What do I notice. It was hard as hell to get to the mat.  Once I was there I was greeted by friends. I’ve never left there without a hug from someone. I made yet another new friend. I found support in a new person. I was not fatigued as I thought I would be. I was stronger today than I had been the day before. I was able to do things in a couple of poses that I was never able to do before.  My focus is getting clearer. It isn’t as painful. The class is over way faster than I thought. Classes are seeming shorter and shorter. Is this why people do doubles? Is this what is next for me? I can see the addiction growing.

I haven’t worked much in the past two years. Part of that is obvious. The grieving process takes time and I needed time to get myself together for me and the kids. The other part I am still grappling with.  I think that stepping back into my life fully or should I say stepping fully into my new life is like opening a new chapter. I realized that today. To open a new chapter means I am closing the last one. Letting go fully of my life before. My life before everything changed. I’m entering a new world. One where I am standing firmly on my own. It kind of makes it all real and puts it all right in my face. I’m a single mom. I’ve had a hard time saying that and really owning it.

This week I will begin work on my new work space. It’s the first time that I am making a decision like that on my own. Without Scott there to encourage me and help me sort out the details. It’s a mixed bag of emotions. I’m really excited and really scared too. Luckily I am really not alone at all. I am lucky to have lots of help. I am always blown away at how when things are right things just seem to fall right into place and I know it is all going to come out great.

I don’t have Scott here to ground me and bring me back to earth as I fly from one thing to the next. He was always my rock. We were very opposite and it worked for a really long time. I would light the fire under him to get him moving and he would bring me center. So, as I lay my mat down this morning I am finding a new way to center. I am learning to ground myself and I’m finding it is getting easier.

I’m not sure how many days I will keep going to yoga without a break. I don’t think I will need to do this everyday the rest of my life, but I know it is there for me. I’m glad to be getting back in my body and back in touch with myself. I just keep waking up each day and figuring out where I can fit it in. Seems to be working so I am going to go with that for now. 🙂 In the meantime I will open the first page to the next chapter and take a step in.

I ran into a mom at the kids school last year who I had not connected to since before Scott passed and we got to visit for a bit. Her daughter is in Sam’s class and her husband had passed away suddenly when the kids were in Kindergarten.  So now many years later it seems we have something in common. As we reconnected and shared our stories one thing stood out to me was a comment she made. She said that she had spent the first couple years just drifting. It was an interesting way to describe what I felt I was very much in the middle of and in some ways still am. I have been drifting.

People ask me how we are doing and I tell them the truth, we are doing well. I think we are as well as anyone could expect. We get up each day and we carry on. The boys are both doing well in school. We have had our share of struggles, but most of them are very much in line with the things we might be struggling with right along with the other families with pre teen and teenage children. We are living our lives. We have not crumbled under the pressure of it all, but have carried on and are doing well.

The boys and I have spent a lot of time traveling in the past year and 9 months. It has been good for us on many levels. We have been able to explore new places together and build lasting memories and bond. We have also been able to spend a great deal of time seeing family that we had not been able to see for many many years before all of this. Two years in a row we got to go to our family reunion. The first year was just a coincidence in that we had already made our plans and found out after the fact that we would be there when it was happening. It was wonderful to connect with everyone and meet family that I had never met before. It was great for the boys and myself to see how big our family really is.

I am blessed with a lot of family. I started out most of my life feeling like my family was pretty small. Mostly that consisted of my mom and my brother and myself. We would visit our family in Ohio. My grandma and grandpa and my aunts, uncles and cousins, but that time was far and few between and my day to day consisted of the three of us. Since then I got married the first time and got introduced to my husband’s  family in Virginia. His Uncle and Aunt and cousins there. The first time I met them I was 17 years old and newly married to Marc. I remember walking into their home in Virginia and the first person to greet me was Aunt Barb. She greeted me with open arms and said “Welcome to the family.” I never felt like anything less than family to them. I never had to prove myself in order to belong. I felt loved and accepted from the first moment.  I could write a whole blog just on all the wonderful things that I experienced being amongst all of them. Today I would just like to share about Uncle Rich.

Frist of all I remember meeting him and noticing how handsome and charming he was and how that was such a contrast to Marc’s dad or anyone I had met so far in his family. He had a wonderful smile and was very warm and inviting. His sense of humor was contagious. I was rarely in his presence where there was not laughter. He and Barb had a beautiful garden that they tended where they grew all of their veggies. I enjoyed watching them bring things in and cook dinner from their  garden. We would often sit out by their pool and I would ask questions about how they do this or that. Rich would explain all of it to me. Marc and I lived in a small apartment but it had a balcony that faced the east side and I took that balcony and made my garden. Rich told me how to mix the soil and what to buy and I planted all kinds of herbs, flowers and even some tomatoes on that balcony. I started everything from seed and he helped me each step of the way. I would come to him and say “ok, now what?” and he would give me the next step in pruning and feeding or whatever. He was always patient and a wealth of information. I didn’t know my dad growing up and I had never experienced what it was like to have that kind of guidance and love and support from a father figure. If I could have picked the perfect dad it would have been him.  There isn’t a time that I prune my tomatoes that I don’t think of his help and how I came to become good at such things. It all started with those conversations around the pool.

Last year I got news that Uncle Rich had a brain tumor and they weren’t sure how long he was going to be with us. It had been 15 years since I had last been to Virginia and visited them and I had not spoken to Uncle Rich in that time. I didn’t know if he had any idea the impact he had had on my life and how I felt about him. I had already planned to come for a visit in June when we were going to make our trip back east for the family reunion, but I didn’t know if he would still be around then and I didn’t want to risk having him pass away without knowing how I felt. So, I flew out to Virginia in April, thinking it might be my last opportunity to see him.

I didn’t know if with his brain tumor how I would be greeted, if he would recognize me or not or know what I was saying. I got to the hospital the first day and was the first to arrive and walked into his room and he lit up right away. He smiled and said “come give me a hug”. It was hard to see him in the condition he was in. He didn’t look like the man I once knew, but he greeted me with the same smile and warm heart that I had always remembered.  I have a thing about voices, those who know me well know what I mean and hearing his voice warmed my heart. I walked over to the bed and leaned down and he gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek. We sat and talked for a while and everyone else began to show up and when I left that day I realized that I had not gotten to say what I had come there to say.

The next day I went back to the hospital and I didn’t know how but I knew somehow I needed to get out what I wanted to say. And it happened perfectly. I walked in and he called me over to the bed and gave me a big hug and kiss again. He told me how happy he was that I had come out to see him and I was able to tell him how I had to come and why. Thanks to modern technology I was able to show him pictures of my garden and tell him that he had been a big part of me growing everything he saw and how I had never forgotten what he taught me. I told him everything I set out to say and he in turn told me he loved me and had always thought of me as his real niece.  It was beautiful and I am so glad I was able to have that conversation with him. The time in Virginia was wonderful to reconnect with everyone there. It didn’t matter to anyone that I had long since divorced their nephew and cousin. They love me and I love them and nothing had changed.

We went out to Ohio for our family reunion in June. I was able to spend more time with my family there.  It was nice this time as I got a lot more one on one time with my Aunts and Uncles. Growing up we had visited some but I realized that while I had a close connection with my Uncle Gary and had spent a good deal of time with him growing up because of the time he lived in South Carolina, I had never really sat down and had a conversation with my other Aunts and Uncles.  I had that this time. I got to sit and have a nice conversation with my Uncle Sam. I had spent lots of time growing up with my Aunt Trudy and my  cousin Melanie, but Sam was always working or sleeping because he worked nights. So anyways, I left that trip feeling like I had actually gotten to know him some and I really liked him a lot. I got to sit and talk with my Uncle Dave and Aunt Pat and felt much the same as I think I have not had much chance to just sit one on one with any of them over the years.  I have such an amazing family and am so grateful to have so much love from all of them. I left this year looking forward to next year and knowing that somehow I have to make sure that I get to see them every chance I can as life is so short.

I went to Virginia on that trip like I had planned and everyone got to meet my boys for the first time. It was a great visit and I was happy that Rich was still around and things were going better.

My uncle Sam and Aunt Trudy had their 40th wedding anniversary this year and took a road trip across the country and they were able to stop through and see me for a short visit on their way through town. I have always looked at them and how content they seem. I didn’t live around them so I don’t know the day to day but they always seemed to be very happy together and I have been impressed that they have been able to stay married for so many years and do so well together. It seems a rare thing these days. It was sweet to see them on their vacation and get the texts here and there along the way about their adventures.

In November we got news that Uncle Sam had a tumor on his liver. It took a couple of weeks to find out what it all meant, but when the news came back it was not good. He had stage four cancer and it had spread throughout his body and the treatment was limited and had only a small chance it would work. Just as we were only beginning to digest this information. A week later he was admitted to the hospital for severe pain and he passed away a few days later. It all happened so suddenly. It is heart breaking to know what my Aunt Trudy and everyone back in Ohio are going through. I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like. You are probably thinking “but you lost your husband, you know what it is like”. Perhaps, but it all went down very different. I don’t know, it just seems different to me. Just so quick and sudden and no time to digest what is happening. I miss my Uncle Sam. I am so glad that I got to sit and talk to him this summer and got to know who he was a little more. I had really looked forward to getting more time like that with him. He was a wonderful Uncle and Father and Husband and I’m glad that I was able to really see that this time around.  I wasn’t sure if I could keep going out every year for the reunion but now I know this isn’t a choice. Life is just too short and I want as much time with my family as I can get.

Just as this is happening, I get a call from a dear friend that my other very dear friend’s boyfriend passed away the day before. I didn’t know Miles very well, but he and Alexa were perfect for one another. I liked him the moment I met him and was so very happy for my friend to have finally found her perfect mate. The news was tragic. Still very much digesting what had happened with my Uncle in a few short weeks I am hit with this news. And this was even more sudden than the last.

I drifted through the holidays. I had started out earlier in November kind of looking forward to the holidays this year thinking they might be easier than last year. In some ways it was as far as where the kids and I are in our healing process and in our lives together, but this news was all very hard to take.  I really didn’t realize how hard it was all taking a toll on me right then. I just got through the season and was kind of glad when it was all over.

The New Year came and I never set resolutions, but started to think about how I have been drifting for the past year and 9 months. How while I have spent a good time healing and getting my life together on a personal level for me and the kids I had really not been able to move forward in my work life. So I began to shift my attention to looking at some of those goals.  I finally got the room I had been wanting to get at the Salon. I have felt for a while if I could do my massage work out of the salon I would be more motivated and grow my business much easier. This is finally coming together and moving forward and I am so happy about that! I was starting to feel myself coming out of the fog I had been in  with all of the recent news.

Wednesday night I get a phone call from my Cousin Jeff in Virginia. Uncle Rich had passed away. I hung up the phone and began to cry. I told the boys the news and Alex leaned on the counter and hung his head and said “Damn, so many people are dying.”. Pretty much sums it up. I cried through dinner and all that night and cried myself to sleep. I felt like I was crying for everyone I had lost in the past 2 years. I haven’t spent a whole day crying in a long time, but pretty much spent the whole next day crying. I decided to go to yoga last night, a Yin class. I hadn’t been in a while to a Yin class. It was exactly what I needed. At one point in class I just began to sob. It’s not the first time. When Scott was sick crying on my yoga mat was a regular occurrence. I’m grateful for how the instructors and the yoga community holds space for people to come and be safe and to be able to heal. Those who know me well, probably have rarely if ever seen me break down. It is not what I do. I grieve alone. I have spent entire days crying and maybe only a handful of times shared that with friends or family. My yoga mat in the one exception to that. So last night I was in frog pose and it all just came pouring out. I know this is something that can happen as these extreme hip openers are famous for releasing emotions that have been stored away. I sobbed and continued to sob as we moved to child pose and again, I cried for everyone I had lost in the past 2 years. My friend at the mat next to me reached a hand over and held my arm briefly  letting me know that I was supported and it was ok. He didn’t know what was going on, but that is just how it is in the yoga community. Another wonderful family I have .

I woke up this morning feeling more centered and grounded. I am so grateful and blessed for all my family. All of you. Some are blood and some are not, but I love you all just the same.

I am headed out today  to run errands and maybe start getting my new space together and begin piecing my life together just a little bit more. I am not sure how much longer I will drift, but I know I am loved and supported and I can take the time I need.  Thanks to everyone for being so amazing. Thanks for reading, I know it is a long and winding thing to read.

Much Love ❤

Tomorrow will be a year since Scott passed. A lot has happened in the past year. I couldn’t see then that I would be where I am now. Today I was thinking that two years ago in April I could not have seen that a year later Scott would be gone and I would be here alone raising our kids and carrying on with our lives without him here. So much can change very quickly. As we mark a year as passed it is good to see how far we have come and maybe spend some time beginning to look forward to what is next.

I spent some time today reading my posts that I have written so far and it made me realize just how much we have gone through in the past couple of years and how far we have come in our healing and just in carrying on with our lives in general.

I have plans tomorrow of planting my summer garden. I cleared out the winter crops a couple of days ago. It was a successful winter garden, which was progress over the year before. I am once again beginning to enjoy my garden. There were many dark days that I didn’t think this would be possible. With help from some friends along the way I have been able to look to my garden again as a place to find peace and joy even. This year I am planting tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, green beans, chamomile, butternut squash, and I am sure many more things that I have yet to decide upon.

Balto has just gone through puppy training school and has come home and is well on his way to being a very well behaved puppy. I didn’t think it was possible but now believe that he is going to be a joy to have around rather than a stress on my life. Most of the training of course was for me. I had to learn to be in charge, which as many of you know is not my strong suit.  It is interesting to me to learn that once a dog knows you are in charge he then will relax and give up trying to be in charge himself.  Balto seems to have accepted this pretty fast and is content with his job of staying in his place. We still enjoy our running together and soon I think we will be running more as I think I will begin training for a 10k. I know he will love logging the extra miles.

For the boys the year has had some ups and downs. We have navigated through the beginnings of the teens and preteens and I think all in all we are doing well. School has proven to be the biggest challenge as like I have said in earlier posts that this is not my strong suit. Scott was always the one to  help with all the homework. I would definitely say that he was the brains of the operation. We are accepting that there are things I just can’t do and for those things we reach out for others to help and look to find other resources. Mostly that has gone well and while we have had many bumps along the way, we find that we bounce back and get centered and keep on rolling through.

The house has gone through a bit of an overhaul. We got a new roof, fixed some floors, changed the doors, painted the shed and have started some landscaping. All just spiffing things up a little here and there and doing some of the things that Scott and I had planned to do when we originally moved in. As I have gone through this process it has really made me appreciate along the way all the things he was able to do over the years himself. He always refused to pay for anything, he would find a way to do it himself. If he didn’t know how, he would figure it out. I now realize why and just how much money he saved us over the years. He really was amazing in that way and I really do miss him.

It has been quite some time since I last added to my blog. So much has happened and I couldn’t put words to my feelings and honestly didn’t know what to say for a long time now. I think though that it is time for me to try to put some of it down. I don’t know really where to start so I will just start where I am today.

 

I have been trying to figure out why I am having such a hard time doing the things that used to bring me so much joy. While most of my energy has returned and I not spending as much time crying and am feeling less overwhelmed, I can’t figure out why I just sit and stare at my garden like it is some alien thing that I have no idea what to do with. I do go and pick things on occasion. The only reason there are things to pick is my neighbor put in a drip system for me. If I had to water I am sure it would all be dead and I am sure that would have put me over the edge already.

 

I think that part of it is that my kids don’t eat tomatoes. I love them, but mostly I would grow them for Scott and I to share. He loved them. I used to grow a lot of things because he liked them. I couldn’t even bring myself to plant radishes this year. They were his favorite. I don’t even want to eat the tomatoes this year. I did enjoy the cucumbers, but they are just about done. I even let my basil go to seed. Most of my herbs have either died or been peed on by Balto (whole other issue entirely) But it is more than not having him to share them with, because before you guys even say it I know I have lots of people to share them with and I have and do, so that really isn’t it.

 

Today I realized I never had a garden until I met Scott. I had done a container garden once in Virginia. Thanks to Uncle Rich  and Aunt Barb who inspired me with their amazing garden. Uncle Rich who taught me how to prune and mix soil and when to pick and what to do. It was Scott who broke ground in the back yard of our first house and made me the place to plant my first garden. He didn’t often help me with it, but took pictures and loved to admire what I did.  It was something we shared and even with all our differences over the years it was the one constant and something we enjoyed talking about and planning each year. Mostly it was me, but he would always listen to my next crazy plan and he would build the next bed for me and watch me go. When he was sick it was my escape and my sacred space where I could go to get grounded and find peace. Now there are just memories and ghosts.

 

I’m not sure what to do about this. I just look at it now and find that there is this huge resistance to enter. Part of me wants to force myself to go in and the other part wants to never go back, forge a new way. Find something new to make me happy, something without so many memories attached. Perhaps in time. I suppose this is normal and like everything else, part of the grieving process.

I went to Back to School night for Sam tonight. Another thing to make me realize that I am doing this thing alone now. I am comforted by him having Mr. Garcia. Alex had him when he was in the 5th grade and it was a great year. I know what to expect and that makes me feel better about getting through our first year without Scott. Alex has 6 teachers who I never met before and that is a bit overwhelming, but luckily he has a handle on things.  Scott always handled all the academic stuff. It has never been my thing. I would volunteer in the classroom and drive on field trips and he would check homework and  help with the projects. Now I am a bit lost on what to do. I feel like I am letting the kids down after all these years of setting this great foundation I don’t feel like I have the skills to keep them on track.  So I reach out and ask for help and hope that is going to be enough. I want them to be as successful as they can be. At least they enjoy school and I don’t have to sweat that part.

 

I’m taking a deep tissue class this week and am really enjoying being in the learning environment again. The students in my class are great and I am learning new techniques and getting worked on as well, which is just an added bonus. I leave feeling great and look forward to going tomorrow. It is only a four day class so tomorrow is the last day. I will look forward to the next class! I am always happy when I am learning new things and maybe that is what I  need to be doing right now. Learning,  Forging a new path and finding a new way. I may stumble and fall along the way, but I will always pick myself up and keep going.

Next up is Maui. I am taking a Craniosacral Therapy class and spending a few days extra to enjoy the island. I hope to get some rest, soak up the sun, meditate, and have lots of fun. Maybe I will discover something new there that will be my new passion, one never knows! Much love and blessings to all of you! Until next time….. Namaste

Days like this I feel like I need to sit down and count my blessings and things to be grateful for, here it goes:

I am grateful for my friend who helped me by cleaning my house even though the kids came home and trashed it and I had to clean up again, it was nice for a while and looks good now.

I am grateful that after a fairly miserable afternoon and interaction with Alex that he came up on his own and apologized for his behavior, which is something he never does. This gives me hope.

I am grateful for a puppy to lick my face and make me smile despite the chaos.

I am grateful for Julie being there just a text away supporting me though the whole sixth grade homework fiasco and reminding me to ground and breathe and ask for help from spirit. Sometimes I honestly just forget what I’m doing.

I am grateful for the guy at the Toyota dealership who sped things up and after telling me it would take 1 hour and 20 minutes for the oil change on my van, got them to push it through in 45. I love that people can actually be human and compassionate once they know what is going on.

I am grateful for Scott putting on 80’s music even though at first I was annoyed by it, it really did help to snap me out of my mood.

I am grateful for all of the people out there who are my mirrors and help me to see what I need to work on most about myself.

I am especially grateful for the few minutes I just had to sit and write this out because it really does  help me feel better.

I had a dream when I was still married to my ex husband. It was during a time when things were really bad and I was really unhappy. I would cry myself to sleep most nights wishing for a different life. I dreamed one night that I was running with a black dog along beautiful tree lined streets. It was a beautiful day with clear skies. I was so happy and free. Then I woke up and realized that I was still in my life and that it had just been a dream and I just cried again. About two years later, I was out running ( a new thing for me) with my dog, Jasmine, (black lab), it was a beautiful day and I was running down Aolia Drive with the beautiful trees lining the road and the dream came back to me all of a sudden. I stopped in the middle of the road, realizing that I had dreamed this day! It was like I had been given a picture of how my life would be one day and here I was.

As I awoke one morning about a week ago I had a vision of the past 15 years all coming together in a big bubble and it was very clear to me the purpose of my life with Scott.  I had the memory of the first month after I moved up here. Scott and I would go for a walk after dinner most nights. One night in particular stands out in my mind. There was no moon out and we were walking into town through a neighborhood that had no lights. I was happily following along without concern and we were talking. He asked me which way I wanted to go. I said I didn’t care, I didn’t know where I was anyways. He stopped in the middle of the road and said ” You don’t know where you are?”.  I said, “No, come on lets go”.  He stood there staring at me and asked me again which way to go. I was getting pretty frustrated and a little scared, it was dark and I seriously didn’t know where I was. He says ” You mean to say that if I left you here you wouldn’t be able to find your way home?”.  “Yes, that is right, come on just walk!”.  This made him laugh a little and yet he didn’t move. He continued ” Listen to the sounds around you, can’t you hear the freeway?, You know we live that direction”.  I really didn’t care I just wanted to walk and relax and talk. ” Just walk!” I was just about in tears at this point. He did begin to walk then but at each intersection he stopped and made me decide which way to go, I hated this so much, but it was a big turning point in my life. I had always been accustomed to having someone make decisions for me and while I didn’t like to be controlled I did prefer to take a back seat and let someone else drive. I hadn’t considered that in doing that I wasn’t even awake enough to know where I was.  There were other things too, how he would sometimes make me decide what we would have for dinner when I really didn’t care. This was especially disconcerting as I honestly never considered what I would like to eat.  I would ask him what to do sometimes and he wouldn’t help me make the decisions. He would ask me what it was that I wanted to do and I was stunned that I really hadn’t considered that and really didn’t know.   Slowly over time,  I really learned who I was and what I liked and how to make decisions. The past year I have had to take on more than I could have ever imagined possible. Honestly I still don’t want to make decisions, I don’t want to be in charge, but at least now I know that I can stand on my own two feet and deal with life has for me.

Before we met,  I was scared of everything. I couldn’t watch the news without having anxiety attacks about dying. My own death was my constant and worst fear. I would go to the counselor and they would say “So you have an anxiety attack and you feel like you are going to die?” I would tell them “No, I know I am going to die one day and it gives me an anxiety attack.” they didn’t get it and would continue to tell me how it is natural to feel like you are going to die when you are having an anxiety attack. Oh well, they  never did get it, but I did. Death scared the hell out of me and it gave me anxiety attacks!  When my father in law died a few years ago, I realized that I had come a long way. We all sat with him until he took his last breath and instead of it scaring me I remember leaving there knowing I had witnessed the most beautiful thing ever. He had passed in peace and we were all there with love and support to  help him go. I was sad that he had to go, but just felt so uplifted in being able to experience that first hand and see the beauty in it.  I still don’t feel quite that way about my own death, but the fear has diminished quite a bit. I realize the impermanence of everything. Instead of scaring me it kind of gives me peace.  We don’t get to decide when we will lose someone we love. We have to just live each day and love them while we can and make sure they know it.

We haven’t had the perfect marriage. We have had our share of ups and downs. One thing has been constant and that has been our friendship. He has always stood by me and has always encouraged me to go straight into the things that scared me the most. Always assured me that I was doing the right thing even when sometimes I couldn’t see it.  I have learned so much and continue to learn each day I am with him.I could see my whole life with Scott  wrapped up in a bubble that morning. So many things that  have come full circle.  I know that I was given a big gift to have this time with him and have him teach me so many things about myself and about life.  I am inspired by his fearlessness in facing what is to come and I hope that I can be there for him like he has been there for me.

Thanks for reading. Namaste.