Author: bonnielouwriter

2011 brought more changes to my life than I ever thought were possible. We rang in the New Year with family and fun times and were looking forward to many wonderful things ahead, just like the year before. Who would have thought what was about to take place would change us all forever.  Scott begun having speech problems in the fall of 2010 that became pronounced and frequent enough for a visit to the doctor later in the year. The doctor appointment that would change everything was in January of 2011. The doctor sent him to get an MRI of his brain and when the results came in we got the call that we needed to come in for the results. We knew this didn’t mean good news and we held each others hand as we went into the doctors office to find out the news. Until that day I had never heard of ALS. The nurse seemed nervous as she took his vitals and the doctor had a visibly hard time delivering the news, can you imagine? Still unsure of what exactly it was but knowing it wasn’t good we walked out of the doctors office and stood hugging in the rain for a few minutes before having to get into separate cars, me back to work and him to pick up the kids and carry on.

The first week that followed was one of the darkest so far of my life. I couldn’t eat. I spent the whole first day at home alone crying and screaming and in complete despair. I pulled myself together enough to carry on with the kids and Scott and the next day in my moments alone it was the same thing. I had friends who I talked to and cried with and without them I don’t know how I could have pulled myself back up. At night Scott and I would just hold each other sleepless in shock of what it all meant.  By the end of the week though, we had decided that we had a choice about how to deal with this, we could crumble or we could choose to fight, we weren’t just going to lie down with this news, we were going to choose living the best we could with what we had in front of us. since there is no cure for ALS and there are no treatments available, we set out to find alternative methods to help. So far nothing has slowed or reversed  the progression, but there is still a lot of help in the way of pain relief, help with sleep and general state of being with the alternative treatments that he has. Who knows where we would be today if he had made the other choice and chosen despair instead.

We have learned a whole lot this year. There have been a lot of ups and downs. Coming to terms with what is happening is one of the hardest lessons of all. Seeing the beauty in what is happening is a whole other lesson.  Living most of my adult life without my family near me I have always figured that if something were to happen where I needed some help that I would have a pretty hard time being here alone. I have learned so much about community. I am also learning to receive. For someone who has always managed to do things myself or with the help of Scott and not looking outward for that help, this is a huge lesson for me.  It is beautiful how much love and support is there and how I know that whatever is to come that I am not alone after all, that I have lots of people who are looking out for me.

Things have progressed much faster than I could have imagined since January a year ago. He quit his job and went on disability in June just before his birthday. The kids got to enjoy a summer with him home and able to go to the pool and hang out at the house. They got more time with him than ever before.  By the end of October we sold his car to his older brother and decided that it was time to take him off the road.  Just before Christmas 2011, Scott’s family helped to build a ramp out the back door so that he can get outside using his new power chair that the ALS association was able to get him.

As each new thing presented itself we have all adapted. Scott handles this whole thing with more grace than you can even imagine. There are days of much frustration, but it is usually short lived and he finds ways to enjoy what he can in his own way.  We have our little routines of the day and things go along pretty smoothly with the help of family and friends.

I have learned a whole new level of patience that I still grapple with.  I am learning compassion and what that really means. I have had to dig pretty deep to find these things and learn to rely on a much bigger power than myself.  My higher self, going into the center of my being and connecting to God as well.  I pray and meditate and I reach out to those who can help me to understand this whole process. I  have spent entire days crying and have been able to laugh at things that seem impossible to laugh at.

The kids have been adjusting as well. I am not sure what goes on in their heads and hearts. It is a hard thing to consider how this will affect their life. They seem to be doing amazingly well. It has been hard to watch them watch their dad go through all that he has in the past year. I have seen them learning compassion as well, learning to be patient and giving too. These lessons early in life will certainly serve them well as they go on.

I have found my true self  in all of this. This year I was introduced to  Reiki and I got my license to practice massage. This whole new world is awaiting me this year as I move into my new space out of East Wind Yoga here in Auburn, hopefully this week!  I have never felt more me and more connected as I am when I am working in this healing space and helping others.  I am filled with much excitement and anticipation of what is to come.

Christmas was one of the best ones we have ever had.  We were truly blessed with all the support of family and friends and community to help make things fun for the kids and ease some of the pressure for us. It allowed us to relax a bit in the midst of the storm that has been raging around us. Last night we spent it watching movies until midnight. The only rule was that it had to be a funny movie. I thought it would be fun to laugh our way to the new year. Laughter is definitely the best medicine on the planet. We had our traditional ruffles and onion dip and root beer floats (these are the must haves for Scott every year). I made a pot of chili and we just relaxed and watched movies and ate to our hearts content. At midnight, I poured us all a glass of sparkling cider and we toasted in the New Year. Then I decided that we should go out and make a little noise. I had never done this before, but thought the kids would love it. Scott opted to stay in as the boys and I took our pans and wooden spoons out front to make noise. They thought I was crazy and were super hesitant to do it and were laughing about the silliness of it all. Then they heard the fireworks and other people banging on things and hooting and hollering in the New  Year and so they started in with banging and laughter. We came back in laughing and feeling pretty silly. Settled into the rest of our last movie and then went to bed with happy hearts. I think it was just perfect.

I have no idea what is to come in this New Year. I am not big into making resolutions. The one thing  I know though is that I want to choose to laugh more, dance more, sing more and love more. I choose happiness in whatever situation arises and to search out ways to bring happiness into our home as much as I can. This is what I know will sustain me. We never know how much time we have so don’t forget to tell the people in your life how important they are to you and how much you love them NOW.  Much love to you all and a Happy New Year to each and every one of you! Namaste.

It has been quite some time since I last posted anything. I graduated school today. It was both happiness and sadness that I felt today as I left the school and all the new friends I made and came home to begin my new path. School was so much more than I expected. I found a place that I really felt I belonged. I never once felt I couldn’t be who I really am inside. The students I met soon became friends and it was amazing to grow and learn together. It was really cool to see each of us find our way and make our own dance of things. Each person was just a little different and it was not only okay, but it was encouraged. I still want to learn more, I have a huge list of classes I want to take, I feel like I have gotten to take a small sip of a wonderful drink. And yet I feel like  I am home, like I have been here before and really already know I just have to remember.

I was able to go see my dad last month as I was beginning my schooling experience. It was a short but wonderful visit. It was great to get to spend time with my family.  I felt really special for everyone to come out to see me both nights I was there. We laughed so much and shared stories. I was filled with so much love that I felt over flowing. It was really hard to leave. Dad and I had a nice visit. He was out of bed all day and was able to sit and talk to me while he smoked his two packs of cigarettes and drank his beer, old habits die hard. He seemed content all considered. He told me that the doctors think he has cancer but that he thought it was just a “bunch of horse shit”. Well, who’s to say, he is still alive after all. I talked to him yesterday morning and he sounded pretty good. His voice is weak because he has a sore throat, but he carried on a conversation without any trouble. I have been calling each week once or twice to check in. He seems happy to talk to me when I call. I can’t change the past, I can only make different decisions now. I spent a whole lot of time thinking he should call me over the years and I could have been enjoying what time we had instead. So that is what I am doing now, I can only deal with now. So, I call and we talk about nothing in particular and I feel good when I hang up and I think he does too. It isn’t what I imagined, but it is what I have and I’ll take it.

Scott was contacted by a lab in Florida who is doing a study on ALS and the genetic link. 5% of ALS patients have a genetic cause. So he was asked to send a sample of his blood to find out if he had this genetic link. We felt this would be good to do, if for no other reason than it could be a way to find out for sure if this is what he has. So, while we waited for the blood kit to come in the mail we began putting together the family tree that they had also requested. We knew that his Aunt on his mother’s side  had passed away from the disease but one person in the family doesn’t mean that he has this genetic predisposition to the disease. After a bit of digging what we found out what that 5 of his mother’s siblings currently have or had passed of some type of  ALS, and two of his cousins have it as well. We also found out that they are already in a data base at another lab and that they have information going back some 25 years. This was a huge finding of course. The next thing we found was that they all had in common a mutated gene, and that it meant that he would also have that gene. He is going to be tested to be sure but the lab in Florida couldn’t take him for the study they were doing since it wasn’t the same gene that their study was looking at.  The other lab is going to take a look at his blood and maybe this will mean that he will be able to be in a different study. So we continue to move forward in search of some kind of a solution.

We decided recently that  it was best that he not drive in his current condition and hope that it isn’t permanent. Over all I think he is taking it pretty well.  This has been a big change in our day to day, but made much easier than expected by so many people coming together and lending a hand in one way or another. Every little bit helps so much. I’m getting better at asking for help and am just filled with so much gratitude for each and everyone of you that have come through when I’ve  needed it. I feel like I am gathering an army in a way and honestly feel that my back is covered and that feels good to know.

So, in a nutshell it has been one heck of a month since I last blogged. I have learned a lot about myself, made new friends, traveled, reconnected and found some unexpected and sobering clarity. I look forward to practicing my new learned skills and seeing where it all leads me next. I look forward to getting back to my garden and planting something for the winter. Maybe even indulging in a little knitting project or reading one of the books for book club! The next month should be much less busy as I wait for my license from the State so that I can begin work.  I also look forward to getting back to more meditation and exercise.  And as the holidays approach it will be nice to be home to do some baking!

I am continuing to  pray for a treatment to become available that will help Scott and as always ask that you all please pray, think positive, send energy or whatever your method, it is all appreciated and felt. Namaste

Since last time I blogged my dad has rallied and I started school. Things have settled down a bit here at home and I am feeling a lull in the stress level.

I have talked to my dad about every other day since I heard of his condition and a week ago he was in a coma. The last few times I talked to him he talked back to me and aside from sounding weak he carried on a conversation as he might have always. He has even been out of bed and used the walker! I’m scheduled to fly out to see him on Friday this week. It has been 6 years since I saw my dad last and I am a little scared about what I am going to see, but I know for sure that I do want to see him again. It just feels right and I am so happy that I am getting this chance again. I also will get to see the rest of my family there in Ohio and that is just frosting on the cake and I can’t wait! It doesn’t matter how long it has been, love never goes away and I feel the love and look forward to reconnecting with everyone there. I have things covered here at home and know that I can leave with peace of mind and that the “boys” will have a fun weekend too.

School is great. It has been 21 years since I graduated cosmetology school and I honestly don’t think I had this much fun in school then. The instructors are amazing and my classmates are great too. Each day you get to give and receive a massage. We have a big class and are encouraged to pick someone new each day to learn about different body types and get out of your box so to speak. I jumped right on that and dove right in and have lost all anxiety about doing this. I love it. I am definitely headed in the right direction. This is what I want to do for sure. I already have a list of classes I want to take next to take this to the type of practice I want to do. It is amazing how these things just seem to unfold and I am holding space for it all to come together just as it should.

It has been suggested and just keeps coming up for Scott to have chelation for heavy metals. When he saw Dr. Lam they did detect lead and other heavy metals but chose to not do chelation as I guess there were other things they felt needed to be addressed first. I guess that there have been cases where people were diagnosed with having ALS and actually had lead poisoning. I guess it is hard to detect because after time it isn’t found in the blood because it has traveled to the muscles and bones and nerves where it does damage. We found that you can do oral chelation and also found a couple of local doctors that do it. This is our next step. Keep praying and sending love and healing energy our way. I have been praying for some kind of treatment to show itself and I think we might be on to something here. Can’t hurt to try.

I struggle with this blog in that I want to let everyone know what is going on but I don’t want to put out too much negativity towards the situation as I do believe that we get what we put  out there and I am super sensitive to that especially right now. We need as much positive energy towards this situation as we can get right now. Things have changed significantly since the beginning of the summer and it is evident that something needs to happen soon to help. So I am asking again for everyone to continue to pray, send energy, positive thoughts or whatever means you personally use our way and want to express my gratitude for all that have been all along and continue to do so. Love to you all.

My parents divorced when I was 6 months old and I saw my dad only a handful of times during my childhood. My memories of him include a couple of visits to his house when I was little, maybe about 5 and then maybe 10. I could have gone more often but don’t recall and really don’t think so. His wife took me shopping once and I sat while she got her hair done. I remember he would brag that he could eat a cheeseburger in two bites. I thought it was gross. There was once that I was up visiting my grandma the last summer she was alive and he was supposed to come spend the day with me. He never showed up and later my mom and brother found him in a local bar too ashamed to come see me for some reason. Seems like that was pretty much how he operated, he just didn’t show up. I was 13 that summer.

I remember bringing my brother up to Ohio to live with him and meeting his 3rd wife and her children and the girl who was about my age asking me if I was going to be her new sister. I just looked at her astonished. I don’t think I said anything, but I definitely wasn’t going anywhere to be anyone’s new sister.

There were years where I didn’t hear from him. Then I got a call one day when I was about 23. My brother had found out that the reason we hadn’t heard from him in so long was because he was in prison. I won’t go into the who’s what’s and where’s about that, really doesn’t matter at this point and for this particular account.

I got the address to the prison and put it in a drawer for about a year. Then one day I ran across the piece of paper and for some reason decided I would write to him. I didn’t know if I would hear back and wasn’t sure what I would do if I did. Well, he did write me back and it began a connection with him that I had never had. We wrote about 2 letters a week for almost 2 years. I found his writing familiar in a way as if I had written it myself. There was a connection that I couldn’t explain exactly, was this the genetic thing that people say really doesn’t matter when a child is adopted? I had always felt very different from my mom and my brother. Not in a bad way, just different like they didn’t get me and I could never completely get them. And for the first time in my life I felt like someone really got me and I got them. It doesn’t completely describe how I feel, but that is the best I can say. I didn’t agree with everything he said and there are parts of his personality that I just chose to move past because if I had focused on them I might never have gotten to know the other parts. But there were parts that were like the missing parts of myself.

I went to visit him in prison about a year before he got out. I sat across the table from him in the visiting room and noticed for the first time that he had blue eyes. I have brown eyes and so do my mom and brother and I had only black and white photos of my dad so it just never stood out to me before. We realized that we both had the same funny ears, but he thought they looked better on a girl.

When he got out of prison my brother and I flew across the country to bring him to California with us. He never really felt comfortable living out west and eventually moved back east. He did get to come to my house once after my first son was born. He was pleasant to have as a house guest. There was something very homey about him. He would be up before me with coffee made sitting at the table. He helped around the house and mowed my lawn and in general seemed to like to keep busy. Of course I had to look past the 10 beers a day he would drink and the chain smoking….. after all nobody is perfect, right?

I was able to go to visit one time with my boys when they were small so he got to meet them both. My older son who tends to be somewhat guarded with his emotions and not one to hug someone unless he really knows him, ran up to him upon leaving to give him the biggest hug I have ever seen. I don’t know if he remembers or not, but I do.

The past few years have been more distant and we rarely spoke. I don’t know, I think we both were lazy about it. I allowed myself to feel like he should call or write me so I would just wait for him and it never happened. So finally we did begin again, it was a small attempt and unfortunately didn’t last long. We wrote a few letters and soon the letters stopped. With all the things going on in my life I didn’t slow myself down enough to make the effort to find out why.

I got a call from his sister on Tuesday to tell me that he was in the hospital and really sick with cancer, it had spread to his brain and probably wouldn’t make it much longer. I got to talk to him two days ago and hear his voice and told him I love him. I just wish I could have seen him one more time. I planned to fly out to see him, but got a call that it was only a matter of hours. Last I heard he is still with us but unconscious and I was able to have his wife hold the phone to his ear so I could say my goodbyes. I cancelled my trip because I am needed here at home and they told me I wouldn’t make it in time anyways and he wouldn’t be able to talk to me. So here I am up late writing this blog. I expect I will hear something soon and I hope I wasn’t wrong to cancel my flight. I’m glad I was at least able to have the connection that I had, as small and kind of broken that it was. He had a whole lot of flaws and some bigger than others, but I felt like I got to know this tiny part of him that was really sweet and that is the part I choose to remember and hold with me.

There has been some question as to whether Scott has ALS or didn’t the doctor in Hawaii say he didn’t have it??? Well, he was diagnosed in March with having ALS. ALS is a disease that you can’t just take a blood test and say definitively that someone has it or doesn’t have it. It is a matter of adding up symptoms and ruling out other things etc. If you look at it on paper it sure looks like it.

One thing I know is that things changed after his accident in 2009. Did the accident trigger the ALS? Did the injuries cause these symptoms? We have been trying to find this out. We found that the chiropractic helped with the choking issues and so far that is all that it really helped. Maybe some of his neck pain too? While we can’t sit back and only look at ALS because the doctors gave us that diagnosis we can’t ignore it either. We have to find a way to look at everything and move forward. It also seems like everyday there is some new piece of the puzzle handed to me and again we keep moving forward. Does he have ALS? the doctors at UC Davis  think so, could it be something else? Others have been misdiagnosed so  Who knows? They know so little about the disease can you really rule anything out?  If you are confused, welcome to my world and hang on for the ride. Love to you all, hope this helps clear things up a bit.

So it seems that they have found the cause for ALS. Of course I am not sure what this will mean for Scott. Does this mean that they will be able to find a treatment in time to help him? Maybe it will be something that can help the kids should they fall into the familia category of the disease as we are still unsure of whether or not this ALS is the type that is passed down genetically. If it is then the boys each have a 50% chance of developing it during their lifetime as well. How is that for sobering news?

I have had a few people and one in particular tell me that it is very possible that what is going on with Scott could be Lyme disease. Apparently there are people who are being misdiagnosed with ALS and actually have Lyme and that Lyme is treatable. We are not sure that it accounts for all of his symptoms but it seems like it could and why not check it out, right? Apparently you have to go to a doctor that does an extensive test and uses this one particular lab. Now I am reading things that this lab is under investigation. Do we still use the lab? There are people who were told by the traditional tests that they don’t have Lyme disease but this lab said they did and they had treatment that helped them, others maybe a wild goose chase and lots of money later, no help. Isn’t it still worth a try?

I feel like I am in a race against time. As I watch Scott slowly being able to do less and less I feel helpless as to what to do about it. Maybe there isn’t anything we can do. Why are we going through this? There are days that I have a handle on things. The cycle of life, the spiritual path of the soul etc and I do at times find peace in these things. Like they say nobody gets out of this alive! The day to day wears on my heart though and it wears on my strength as a human being. To continue to get up each day and take on whatever that day might bring forward at times feels to be too much to ask. I long for days when I got to worry about stupid shit and not the big stuff. I tell myself that I wouldn’t worry about that stuff now if things could be different. That I wouldn’t waste my time on stupid little things that don’t matter, but I know I would, it is my nature. As hard as I try.

I learned to replace the brakes on my car this weekend. This was brought about because Scott was going to do it and it was proving to be a big struggle for him and so I offered to help. I figured it was something that I might need to learn anyways. After all, I had learned to change a tire in driver’s ed but in all these years I had never actually done it and what would happen if I found myself needing to do this? I have just never learned to do anything to cars. Not that I felt that I couldn’t. More like I really didn’t want to. I have a mother who prides herself in being able to do anything that “the boys” can do”. This always turned me off as I don’t feel like I need to prove anything to anyone. I know I can do whatever I put my mind to and I see lots of women who do what men can do, so what?! So, this weekend I just simply did what needed to be done. I am still sore from the job and have lots of respect for anyone who does this work for a living or just in general without complaints. My brakes work great too! And we saved $500!

With all of this going on I still have the regular things going on like kids and laundry and cleaning and just general wanting to live my life. Alex is in 6th grade and apparently has entirely too much homework. He did manage to put a few things off to the last minute, but my goodness he is only in the 3rd week of school! He literally worked all weekend and is still not done. He still needs to finish the paper mache cover he is working on for one of his projects which at the moment has him sulking on the couch as he is overwhelmed by the fact that it isn’t coming out the way he had anticipated. I am just hoping that this doesn’t mean that we will be starting over when I get home from work tonight. My mind and body are burnt out as it is. I do long to go to work where I can rest and do something that doesn’t require new skills and enormous amounts of patience. I am so happy that I love my work even on the worst days.

A week from today I will start massage school. It seems crazy some days that I could be taking on even more with everything going on here. I do feel called to do this. I have really enjoyed learning, giving and receiving Reiki and would like to offer this as a service to others. Massage and Reiki do go hand in hand and I have this feeling I am going to uncover more things that I need to learn as well on this path. This will give me an additional way to earn income that can be flexible, and I need flexible right now! So, the next 6 weeks should be interesting as I stretch my being just a little more to see what it is capable of doing! Wish me luck and send me energy if you think about it, I will definitely be needing it!

Recently we received an article from two different friends about a recent development in ALS. http://news.yahoo.com/researchers-theyve-found-common-cause-types-als-180606872.html You can read about it at that link.  We hope that a treatment will be found that will help soon.  Keep up with all the prayers, energy, and positive thoughts!

It’s been a while since my last entry here and so I thought it was about time to write a bit more.

Since my last blog entry I had my 40th birthday which turned out to be so much more than I expected. After my actual birthday which was a fabulous day, Scott and my friends surprised me with a party on Saturday. My friend Alexia had said she wanted to take me out for sushi for my birthday. She said to be ready to go by 6pm on Saturday so after spending the day working in the garden and digging in the dirt setting some of my pathway, I came in and cleaned up and got dressed to go out. I had been looking forward to this since Scott won’t eat sushi and so I only go with friends on occasions like this. At 6 Sam came to tell me that Alexia was here and that she had a surprise for me. She had brought my friend Sam with her who had just got home from France. This was exciting of course as I hadn’t expected that. I began to suspect that something was going on. They said they wanted to look at my garden, so of course I took them out and showed them and that was fun. When Alexia asked for a glass of water I was sure something was up as she is usually very on task and why should we be waiting around when we are supposed to be going out, right? Then the doorbell rang and so I go to answer it and see that my front lawn is filled with friends carrying food, balloons, gifts, flowers etc! Within minutes I had a house full of people and it was quite clear that we were not going to sushi! I had never had a surprise party before and was so very surprised and felt so much love, it was very overwhelming and I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. So I had a glass of wine and enjoyed some food. There were TWO cakes! And they sang Happy Birthday too. It will be a birthday that I will always remember! Love you all so very much!! Thanks again it was awesome!

As I transition into my 40’s I find myself really coming into being who I really am. Life has taken so many twists and turns this year and it has brought to me so many experience and people into my life that have helped me to define my life purpose. I have lived most of my life feeling fairly alone in my beliefs. Growing up in the south it seemed that there was only one way to look at things spiritually. You were Christian until proven otherwise. I never felt that I could be authentic and call myself a Christian, though I can’t say that I disagree with everything the religion contains. In the past 5 or 6 years I have found that I am far from alone. I still don’t feel that I fit into a particular box and I have yet to completely define myself and I am becoming more comfortable with that as I am getting more comfortable just being. What is it exactly that I am saying? What is it that I actually believe? I believe that we are all one. That the concept of God to me is too expansive to fit one name and one concept. It is personal for each person and we can learn from each other rather than allow our differences to pull us apart. I believe that there are no coincidences that each thing happens for a reason and that there is always a chance to grow and change. I believe that we can all connect to God, Spirit, The universe or whatever we choose to name it and we can find all the answers we need if we choose to listen. I feel that we have lived many lives and are here to learn and to grow and hopefully to move past reincarnating over and over again. You can learn a lot from Jesus, and also from Buddha and Shiva and many others who have walked before us. We all have a spark of the Divine in all us and that is what love is. Love is the answer. I believe there are many ways to describe very similar experiences and if we listen we will see that we are not all that different. Also I believe that when you are open to it the right people and situations appear to show us the way.

Metaphysical? Pagan? Witch? Crazy? Well, I say call me what you wish. I don’t choose a word. I have been known to grow herbs in my garden and use them both for medicine and for their energetic qualities. I meditate and draw from the energy of the universe to guide me. I talk to bugs and bees on occasion and my spirit guides too if they are around. I have been known to dance around open fires under a full moon and while I choose to do so with my clothes on I don’t judge others who might do so otherwise ;). To each their own.
So, there you have it, I’ve come out. Love to you all. Thanks for reading and Good night. 🙂 ❤

Today we went back to Dr. Parks (Chiropractor) and found out that we didn’t get the loan financing that we needed to proceed with the decompression treatments. So I guess right now we are at a stand still. We need to find a way to get the money we need for this treatment as for the moment it seems like the only thing that looks like it can help him. At least for now the adjustments he is getting are helping a bit so it isn’t all lost.

We took with us today the EMG report from UC Davis. This is the test that uses electrical current to test the neuro pathways etc. He is looking this over to see what he thinks. It is interesting to see that the neurologist wrote a very non committal report. While he said that the findings suggest ALS he also said that his cervical, lumbar and cranial issues couldn’t be overlooked. Yet he failed to mention these things to us. He said that Scott’s spine was normal and it is clear that this is far from the case. So we move forward trying to put the pieces together from this crazy puzzle.

It is hard to believe that the summer is half over. This will be the first summer I can remember that we are not going camping. Maybe we will squeeze in a trip before the summer is over. I feel like our whole world has been turned upside down. We are having a pretty good summer though in a lot of ways. It has been nice to have Scott home. The boys and him have been going to the pool and the library and different things together and they love getting to spend time with him.

I have been getting lots of time in the garden. I am still a bit off on my sleep schedule and need to re arrange things so that I can get out more for my runs. I don’t want to slip backwards after all the work I did last year getting to where I am. It would probably be a good idea to register for a race just to give me something to work towards. Part of me would rather just sleep in, to be honest.

I met a lady today whose daughter was dying of a rare form of cancer. The story she told me was just really sad, I guess it isn’t a type of cancer that responds to chemotherapy or radiation or any of the normal drugs they treat cancer with. It just reinforced in me that feeling that each day is just so important to love the people in your life and live each day to the fullest. Being present to today and now is so important. No one knows what will happen tomorrow. It is a good lesson for everyone.

Her story really struck me because I guess her daughter had had a hysterectomy in 2009 for fibroids and then found out in May this year that she had these tumors and this rare form of cancer. Then found out just recently when another doctor pulled her records that she had had this cancer when she had the hysterectomy but that the doctors didn’t tell her and though the records say that they recommended further treatment she was never told. I just have such a hard time with how the medical facilities do not connect the dots. The doctors we have dealt with have not only neglected to look at medical history but failed to read the results of tests and then they have gone on to jump to conclusions without further looking into things that need to be looked into. How many people out there are going through similar things?

She told me about a lady that had MS who was confined to a wheel chair. This lady had heard that a doctor in Poland was curing people with MS and so she went there even though she didn’t speak the language and just had full trust of the doctors to help her. I guess they opened up some neuro passageway or something in her neck and she walked out of the clinic. Why does the US run the way it does in terms of health care? It is all about the pharmacies. It needs to change.

Again just feeling so much gratitude for all the love that keeps pouring in. I could not do this without all the support from everyone and it comes in so many different forms and I recognize them all. Much love to all of you who show up and love us. Namaste

I tried to blog the other day but failed to save and my server disconnected, so I learned my lesson and here I go!

We went back to the chiropractor today and went over the MRI of Scott’s neck, you know the one that the neurologist said was “normal”. It was clear to see that the bulge in his disk is putting a dent in his spinal cord and it can explain a lot of what is going on with his symptoms. The chiropractor has a decompression machine that he would like to use to help him. It entails him going in 5 days a week for 6 weeks and he will do the machine for 30 minutes, get physical therapy and massage. He feels that the disc still has a good chance to heal if we go this route. It is going to cost us $4600. It is still unclear how we can pay for this given our current financial situation. They have financing that is available through Chase that can help, however I am not sure if our credit will be okay to get us approved for it. It is a 0% interest line of credit they offer for medical stuff. If not that then we hope they will let us do a lien on the settlement that we are hoping to get from the accident. I know in my heart that the chiropractor has already begun to help and I feel this treatment would really help heal his neck the rest of the way. Please send prayers that we get approved for the financing! Keep fingers crossed!

I do know that Angels walk among us. Today we went to pay for his office visit and I was going to have to have them hold my check because work was slow this week. When we arrived at the front desk the girl just gave me the biggest smile and told me that someone had already paid for our visit today and we were all done! I just about cried. I just wish I knew who was responsible for doing this. She wouldn’t tell me who. Just the nicest thing to do. If you are reading my blog, thank you and lots and lots of love, it means so much right now! 🙂

It has been a better week. Scott seems to be feeling pretty well and he looks good. He stands straighter and has only had 2 choking episodes in the past couple of weeks since seeing the chiropractor. This is just such a huge relief. It is very hard to see him struggle. It is nice to see him working on the lamp he is making me and he has begun drawings for a friend who wants a lamp done as well. It is good to see him happy doing what he loves most.

I have been working on finding balance. Slowly I am beginning my studies to become certified in EDS. It isn’t easy to find time for this. I was staying up later blogging and reading and then I was finding myself sleeping late and missing my runs. This isn’t going to work for the long run so instead today I got up early and read a bit after I went for a run. The kids have been pretty good about giving me a little space today, that has been good. I feel like I have so much that I have to do. I find peace when I run and when I go to a yoga class I find that I can center and breathe. I am not sure how it will all work out but right now everything is good and I’m staying with that.