Drifting

I ran into a mom at the kids school last year who I had not connected to since before Scott passed and we got to visit for a bit. Her daughter is in Sam’s class and her husband had passed away suddenly when the kids were in Kindergarten.  So now many years later it seems we have something in common. As we reconnected and shared our stories one thing stood out to me was a comment she made. She said that she had spent the first couple years just drifting. It was an interesting way to describe what I felt I was very much in the middle of and in some ways still am. I have been drifting.

People ask me how we are doing and I tell them the truth, we are doing well. I think we are as well as anyone could expect. We get up each day and we carry on. The boys are both doing well in school. We have had our share of struggles, but most of them are very much in line with the things we might be struggling with right along with the other families with pre teen and teenage children. We are living our lives. We have not crumbled under the pressure of it all, but have carried on and are doing well.

The boys and I have spent a lot of time traveling in the past year and 9 months. It has been good for us on many levels. We have been able to explore new places together and build lasting memories and bond. We have also been able to spend a great deal of time seeing family that we had not been able to see for many many years before all of this. Two years in a row we got to go to our family reunion. The first year was just a coincidence in that we had already made our plans and found out after the fact that we would be there when it was happening. It was wonderful to connect with everyone and meet family that I had never met before. It was great for the boys and myself to see how big our family really is.

I am blessed with a lot of family. I started out most of my life feeling like my family was pretty small. Mostly that consisted of my mom and my brother and myself. We would visit our family in Ohio. My grandma and grandpa and my aunts, uncles and cousins, but that time was far and few between and my day to day consisted of the three of us. Since then I got married the first time and got introduced to my husband’s  family in Virginia. His Uncle and Aunt and cousins there. The first time I met them I was 17 years old and newly married to Marc. I remember walking into their home in Virginia and the first person to greet me was Aunt Barb. She greeted me with open arms and said “Welcome to the family.” I never felt like anything less than family to them. I never had to prove myself in order to belong. I felt loved and accepted from the first moment.  I could write a whole blog just on all the wonderful things that I experienced being amongst all of them. Today I would just like to share about Uncle Rich.

Frist of all I remember meeting him and noticing how handsome and charming he was and how that was such a contrast to Marc’s dad or anyone I had met so far in his family. He had a wonderful smile and was very warm and inviting. His sense of humor was contagious. I was rarely in his presence where there was not laughter. He and Barb had a beautiful garden that they tended where they grew all of their veggies. I enjoyed watching them bring things in and cook dinner from their  garden. We would often sit out by their pool and I would ask questions about how they do this or that. Rich would explain all of it to me. Marc and I lived in a small apartment but it had a balcony that faced the east side and I took that balcony and made my garden. Rich told me how to mix the soil and what to buy and I planted all kinds of herbs, flowers and even some tomatoes on that balcony. I started everything from seed and he helped me each step of the way. I would come to him and say “ok, now what?” and he would give me the next step in pruning and feeding or whatever. He was always patient and a wealth of information. I didn’t know my dad growing up and I had never experienced what it was like to have that kind of guidance and love and support from a father figure. If I could have picked the perfect dad it would have been him.  There isn’t a time that I prune my tomatoes that I don’t think of his help and how I came to become good at such things. It all started with those conversations around the pool.

Last year I got news that Uncle Rich had a brain tumor and they weren’t sure how long he was going to be with us. It had been 15 years since I had last been to Virginia and visited them and I had not spoken to Uncle Rich in that time. I didn’t know if he had any idea the impact he had had on my life and how I felt about him. I had already planned to come for a visit in June when we were going to make our trip back east for the family reunion, but I didn’t know if he would still be around then and I didn’t want to risk having him pass away without knowing how I felt. So, I flew out to Virginia in April, thinking it might be my last opportunity to see him.

I didn’t know if with his brain tumor how I would be greeted, if he would recognize me or not or know what I was saying. I got to the hospital the first day and was the first to arrive and walked into his room and he lit up right away. He smiled and said “come give me a hug”. It was hard to see him in the condition he was in. He didn’t look like the man I once knew, but he greeted me with the same smile and warm heart that I had always remembered.  I have a thing about voices, those who know me well know what I mean and hearing his voice warmed my heart. I walked over to the bed and leaned down and he gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek. We sat and talked for a while and everyone else began to show up and when I left that day I realized that I had not gotten to say what I had come there to say.

The next day I went back to the hospital and I didn’t know how but I knew somehow I needed to get out what I wanted to say. And it happened perfectly. I walked in and he called me over to the bed and gave me a big hug and kiss again. He told me how happy he was that I had come out to see him and I was able to tell him how I had to come and why. Thanks to modern technology I was able to show him pictures of my garden and tell him that he had been a big part of me growing everything he saw and how I had never forgotten what he taught me. I told him everything I set out to say and he in turn told me he loved me and had always thought of me as his real niece.  It was beautiful and I am so glad I was able to have that conversation with him. The time in Virginia was wonderful to reconnect with everyone there. It didn’t matter to anyone that I had long since divorced their nephew and cousin. They love me and I love them and nothing had changed.

We went out to Ohio for our family reunion in June. I was able to spend more time with my family there.  It was nice this time as I got a lot more one on one time with my Aunts and Uncles. Growing up we had visited some but I realized that while I had a close connection with my Uncle Gary and had spent a good deal of time with him growing up because of the time he lived in South Carolina, I had never really sat down and had a conversation with my other Aunts and Uncles.  I had that this time. I got to sit and have a nice conversation with my Uncle Sam. I had spent lots of time growing up with my Aunt Trudy and my  cousin Melanie, but Sam was always working or sleeping because he worked nights. So anyways, I left that trip feeling like I had actually gotten to know him some and I really liked him a lot. I got to sit and talk with my Uncle Dave and Aunt Pat and felt much the same as I think I have not had much chance to just sit one on one with any of them over the years.  I have such an amazing family and am so grateful to have so much love from all of them. I left this year looking forward to next year and knowing that somehow I have to make sure that I get to see them every chance I can as life is so short.

I went to Virginia on that trip like I had planned and everyone got to meet my boys for the first time. It was a great visit and I was happy that Rich was still around and things were going better.

My uncle Sam and Aunt Trudy had their 40th wedding anniversary this year and took a road trip across the country and they were able to stop through and see me for a short visit on their way through town. I have always looked at them and how content they seem. I didn’t live around them so I don’t know the day to day but they always seemed to be very happy together and I have been impressed that they have been able to stay married for so many years and do so well together. It seems a rare thing these days. It was sweet to see them on their vacation and get the texts here and there along the way about their adventures.

In November we got news that Uncle Sam had a tumor on his liver. It took a couple of weeks to find out what it all meant, but when the news came back it was not good. He had stage four cancer and it had spread throughout his body and the treatment was limited and had only a small chance it would work. Just as we were only beginning to digest this information. A week later he was admitted to the hospital for severe pain and he passed away a few days later. It all happened so suddenly. It is heart breaking to know what my Aunt Trudy and everyone back in Ohio are going through. I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like. You are probably thinking “but you lost your husband, you know what it is like”. Perhaps, but it all went down very different. I don’t know, it just seems different to me. Just so quick and sudden and no time to digest what is happening. I miss my Uncle Sam. I am so glad that I got to sit and talk to him this summer and got to know who he was a little more. I had really looked forward to getting more time like that with him. He was a wonderful Uncle and Father and Husband and I’m glad that I was able to really see that this time around.  I wasn’t sure if I could keep going out every year for the reunion but now I know this isn’t a choice. Life is just too short and I want as much time with my family as I can get.

Just as this is happening, I get a call from a dear friend that my other very dear friend’s boyfriend passed away the day before. I didn’t know Miles very well, but he and Alexa were perfect for one another. I liked him the moment I met him and was so very happy for my friend to have finally found her perfect mate. The news was tragic. Still very much digesting what had happened with my Uncle in a few short weeks I am hit with this news. And this was even more sudden than the last.

I drifted through the holidays. I had started out earlier in November kind of looking forward to the holidays this year thinking they might be easier than last year. In some ways it was as far as where the kids and I are in our healing process and in our lives together, but this news was all very hard to take.  I really didn’t realize how hard it was all taking a toll on me right then. I just got through the season and was kind of glad when it was all over.

The New Year came and I never set resolutions, but started to think about how I have been drifting for the past year and 9 months. How while I have spent a good time healing and getting my life together on a personal level for me and the kids I had really not been able to move forward in my work life. So I began to shift my attention to looking at some of those goals.  I finally got the room I had been wanting to get at the Salon. I have felt for a while if I could do my massage work out of the salon I would be more motivated and grow my business much easier. This is finally coming together and moving forward and I am so happy about that! I was starting to feel myself coming out of the fog I had been in  with all of the recent news.

Wednesday night I get a phone call from my Cousin Jeff in Virginia. Uncle Rich had passed away. I hung up the phone and began to cry. I told the boys the news and Alex leaned on the counter and hung his head and said “Damn, so many people are dying.”. Pretty much sums it up. I cried through dinner and all that night and cried myself to sleep. I felt like I was crying for everyone I had lost in the past 2 years. I haven’t spent a whole day crying in a long time, but pretty much spent the whole next day crying. I decided to go to yoga last night, a Yin class. I hadn’t been in a while to a Yin class. It was exactly what I needed. At one point in class I just began to sob. It’s not the first time. When Scott was sick crying on my yoga mat was a regular occurrence. I’m grateful for how the instructors and the yoga community holds space for people to come and be safe and to be able to heal. Those who know me well, probably have rarely if ever seen me break down. It is not what I do. I grieve alone. I have spent entire days crying and maybe only a handful of times shared that with friends or family. My yoga mat in the one exception to that. So last night I was in frog pose and it all just came pouring out. I know this is something that can happen as these extreme hip openers are famous for releasing emotions that have been stored away. I sobbed and continued to sob as we moved to child pose and again, I cried for everyone I had lost in the past 2 years. My friend at the mat next to me reached a hand over and held my arm briefly  letting me know that I was supported and it was ok. He didn’t know what was going on, but that is just how it is in the yoga community. Another wonderful family I have .

I woke up this morning feeling more centered and grounded. I am so grateful and blessed for all my family. All of you. Some are blood and some are not, but I love you all just the same.

I am headed out today  to run errands and maybe start getting my new space together and begin piecing my life together just a little bit more. I am not sure how much longer I will drift, but I know I am loved and supported and I can take the time I need.  Thanks to everyone for being so amazing. Thanks for reading, I know it is a long and winding thing to read.

Much Love ❤