Dear Scott

Dear Scott,

I am writing to you today because I realize that you are the only one who can really understand what I am feeling today. After all, you were the only one in the room when we conceived our children. You were the first person I told when the test came back positive, the first person who was to share in the excitement. The one who stayed by my side the whole two days of labor with Alex and rubbed my forehead while they cut open my belly each time I gave birth. You were first one to see their faces and take those awful bloody pictures before the umbilical cord was even cut. The first to change a diaper and hold them. The one who laid Alex on the bed after we brought him home from the hospital and stood next to me as we stared and said “Now What?!”. We laughed because we really didn’t know. We couldn’t believe they let us bring him home, remember?

Remember the eyes and smile you drew on the dry erase board that looked just like Alex, that we left on that board for years until one day we decided it was time to take it down? Sometimes I still look at Alex and see that face you drew. Can you see it too? Do you remember how you would never question what I did all day and why was the place such a mess and what is for dinner, but instead would gladly take the kids from me and give me a much needed break? I do.

I am writing to you today because I knew you would understand why I needed to take a day to myself today. For me grief is like a stomach virus. It kind of comes in waves out of the blue. Just when you think all is well, you are doubled over heaving again and wondering when it is going to stop. It’s been a while since the last time, but it’s back. It’s back today because it is March, our babies were born in March…I know you know… So here I am writing to you…

I wanted to tell you about Sam’s birthday. It was a nice relaxing day just the way he wanted it. We had cake for breakfast and later he went to the movies with his friends. He didn’t want me to go with him. After all he is 13 now!! Can you believe it?! He went to see a horror movie even though I pointed out to him that he doesn’t usually like them and asked him if he was sure. He went anyways and then afterwards he told me that he couldn’t believe he decided to do that and now he was terrified and may never sleep again! You know how he is with scary movies. It was pretty funny. You would laugh.

Alex’s birthday is coming up next. I’m so proud of him. I know you would be too. It has been a hard year for him. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if I could actually get through it. He is coming around though! And we are getting along pretty well too. I know it used to drive you crazy how we would always butt heads. You were the only person who could smooth things over with him sometimes. It’s been the hardest thing of all for us to make peace with the fact that you aren’t here to help us with that anymore. We are learning to be better to each other though and I think you would be impressed.

You know, it’s hard doing this by myself. The hardest part about it though, is knowing that I can’t share these events with you. I can’t see the look of appreciation in your eyes , and hear you tell me your memory of when they were little and remember things I forgot. I wish you could be here with me and sit back and take it all in and remember when…

I don’t want for you to be worried about me though. The boys and I are doing really well. There are so many good and exciting things happening right now, but I will need to save that for another day. I feel kind of silly now, writing you a letter. I’m sure you see everything that’s happening already. I do somehow feel better though, so I guess that is good. I just needed to share some of my memories with you.  I have been sharing a lot of them with the kids and some they get a kick out of and they just roll their eyes at the others. Some though, I just hold for myself. They are mine now and I will keep them safe for us tucked away in my heart to look at them when I want to remember when…I know you know what I mean<3