Looking Back

As  2020 begins I have been spending time hiking and reflecting, filled with nostalgia about the past decade. Thanks to a Facebook memory, I was reminded that I started 2010 by literally falling on my ass. The boys and I went on an ice skating adventure which resulted  in me being plowed down by this 10 year old boy who came up from behind me at a considerable speed, slamming into my backside and sending my legs into the air in front of me. As I plummeted to the earth he slid under me, positioning himself just so, that I landed with his leg squarely between my butt cheeks, dislocating my tailbone.  How he was able to get up after that and skate away is a question that haunts me to this day.  Soon after picking myself up from the crash, I made my way to the bleachers and decided that my skating was over for the day. Just then, Sam fell down and a kid ran over his hand cutting through his gloves and his finger with his skate. It was time to go home.

The next couple of  months were spent in pain sitting on a doughnut, which gave me ample time to consider the changes I needed to make in my life. I was 38 and 30 pounds overweight. It was time for me to get into better shape. So I decided to join Weight Watchers (again!) and I lost 30 pounds and began running again. 

These pictures were taken the summer of 2010 when we took a camping trip to Mendocino. We almost didn’t go that year because Scott was having some back issues that stemmed from being rear ended by a drunk driver in October 2009, but we managed to work together and made that happen and I am happy we did because it wound up being our last camping trip together as a family. The group picture was taken at my friend’s wedding in October that year. That was the last picture taken of us together as a family.

It was about that time when my neighbor invited me to my first hot yoga class. Though I had been practicing yoga since 1997, hot yoga proved to be a whole different beast. The day of my first class just happened to also be the day I ran 5 miles for the first time in my life. I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle going to yoga after running, but she assured me that I would be just fine, so I just went for it. It wasn’t at all what I was expecting and wound up being the hardest 90 minutes of my life. After it was over and I lay there on my mat in a big puddle of my own sweat, completely spent and unable to move,  I knew I was hooked. I felt amazing.  Scott joined me a couple of months later. The yoga community welcomed us with open arms and sweaty hugs. We had no idea just how important this community would become in anchoring us through the upcoming challenges.

In January of 2011 we received Scott’s diagnosis of ALS and that is when I began writing this blog to document our journey. The year following his diagnosis was the hardest year of my life. I lost my best friend, partner, lover and the father of my children one piece at a time. Every month there was a new adjustment as the disease progressed. On April 26, 2012 he passed away.

The years that followed were spent in a daze as the kids grew through puberty, adolescence and teenage years filled with the typical hurdles of  braces, long hair, acne, testing boundaries, first loves and heartache, all of the normal childhood milestones made more challenging when coupled with grieving for their dad.

To cope with our loss we found ourselves on many adventures. Our first Christmas was spent in Maui where we snorkeled, went zip lining and created memories we will never forget. We reconnected with family across the country. There were plane rides and road trips to beaches, forests, rivers and lakes that would catch our tears and lift our spirits. We visited New York, Chicago and Washington DC where we were able to be tourists and explore. We saw plays and ate amazing food.

The past two years with the boys both working, going to school and busy in their own lives, there has been less time for traveling. I realize more than ever just how important these times together were for us. I wouldn’t trade these memories for the world.

Left out of the pictures were the times along the way that I felt alone and lost and nights I cried myself to sleep. There were arguments, frustration and times when the kids wouldn’t talk to me. The pictures leave out stories like when boys would wake up screaming for their dad in the middle of the night and nothing I could do could take away the hurt. The time spent awake all night worrying about how we would make it through everything. All of the laughable, ridiculous, unforgettable and heartbreaking moments of me trying to find myself again, one piece at a time. I have learned how to reach out and ask for help, and also how to be quiet and alone with myself. I’m grateful for each of these experiences as they have helped me to heal and to grow and finally, to stand on solid ground.

As we enter 2020 I am filled with so many emotions. I look at these photos and can see and remember just how far we have come in the past 10 years. Although I feel sad that the boys have had to grow up without their dad here in person, I know he is watching over us and is as proud as I am of the amazing men they are becoming. They are loving, caring, fun, responsible, independent and just all around wonderful human beings. Sam finished high school a semester early this past December and is starting College in the Spring and Alex is finishing up his second year of College. I look forward to what is to come in this next decade as they soar into their adult lives. They both have bright futures ahead of them.

I am filled with so much gratitude for the Village that has supported us all through this journey over the past 10 years. I am forever grateful for every smile, phone call, text message, every like, every comment, meeting up for coffee, taco Tuesdays, my ride or die friends who dragged me out of the house, front porch conversations, the hugs that have held me, the shoulders that have caught my tears and allowed me to rest, the laughter when I needed it the most, the Christmas cards, letters, surprise birthday flowers and medicine dropped at my door when I couldn’t get out, car rides to the ER when I had pneumonia and a broken arm, patience in hearing my stories over and over (And OVER) again, the extra sets of eyes on the boys all over town so I could stalk them properly, those of you who stepped up and got involved to help the boys by picking them up, acting as mentors, and believing in them when they didn’t believe in themselves. Most of all, thank you for never giving up on us and continuing to love us through everything. There is no expression for the love and gratitude I will carry in my heart forever.

It is time for me to turn the page on this chapter of my life and begin a new conversation, therefore this is my last post to this blog. Please keep your eyes open for what is coming next. There is a book and also another blog on the horizon. I hope you all will continue to follow me.

Much Love and Happy New Year!