Dear Scott

January 5, 2023

Dear Scott,

It has been quite some time since I last wrote. I started this letter back in August and here it is January 2023! So much has happened that I need to catch you up on that I don’t know where to begin. I have some big news to share, but first I should start with the kids.

Sam got married and moved out in the spring of 2021. Oh, Scott, you would be so proud of him. I know you are, we all felt your presence the day he got married. You would love Jessica as much as I do. She is as sweet as she is beautiful and her love for Sam is beautiful to behold. They remind me of us in our early days; Sam cooking for Jess and Jess baking Sam his favorite treats. They make such a great team working together on their YouTube channel. Recently they even bought a franchise. Jess is singer and song writer with the voice of an angel. She has been working hard getting her music out to the world. Recently she wrote a song for Sam about you that is getting released soon. It seems their creativity has no bounds. They have a beautiful home and two puppies to keep them company in Utah. It’s so far away, but I know how important it is that they forge their own lives and I am happy for them. It is wonderful to see them so happy doing what they love. This year I went out and spent Christmas with them in Utah. It was the first white Christmas since I was a little girl. Alex was able to come as well. Oh! I haven’t told you about Alex!

Remember when Alex was three years old and he would say to us “When are we going to Africa?” or “When do we get to go to the moon?” and we told him that grew up that he could go wherever he wants to go? I was worried for a while when he seemed to have lost this thirst for adventure. I think Sam moving out was the push he needed to break free and explore the world. He has your wander lust, preferring the solitude of nature to the conventional life. He is so happy now working at a ski resort in the Tetons. He’s able to work and live somewhere truly beautiful where in his free time he can snowboard in the winter and backpack, mountain bike and rock climb in the summertime. It has helped him to come to terms with losing you. I know you are with him when he is out there alone searching for the the answers.  He has grown in ways I could have only dreamed of a couple of years ago.

I have adjusted to living alone here in my now empty nest. It’s the first time in my life that I have lived completely on my own. Do you remember when I first moved here? I had planned to get my own place but by the time I found a job and started to look for apartments we decided it didn’t make any sense for us to have separate places. I’ve always wondered what would have happened if I would have followed through and gotten my own place and taken some time to learn to be on my own first. I certainly never expected to be alone at this point in my life. Don’t worry though, I’m not really alone, I got a puppy!

 I know it is hard to believe I would get a puppy again after Jasmine. Do you remember how wild she was? It took her 8 years to settle down and become reasonable, but once she did she turned out to be a very sweet dog and I do miss her. I wasn’t sure if I should get a puppy again and honestly I don’t know if I would have if he had not chosen me. I went with Sam and Jess so they could pick out a second puppy. While I waited for them to make a decision, I took a look at the other puppies. There he was just lounging while the other puppies were jumping about. He looked so sweet and calm.  I sat down with him and he immediately crawled into my jacket and fell asleep and I fell in love.  He is the best little companion I could imagine. I finally get why people call dogs a man’s best friend. He really is mine. I find myself spoiling him in ways that you wouldn’t approve, like giving him treats and people food.  I take him everywhere with me, even to work.  Everyone loves him. I thought it was appropriate to name him Clyde, my faithful companion for the adventures that lay ahead in my new life with an empty nest.  

With the kids out of the house, I think if it weren’t for Clyde I might not feel I had much reason to be home. I would probably just work all of the time or find things to fill my time to avoid the quiet of the house.  He has helped me to become more comfortable with being home alone with myself. This has helped me to get to know myself better and I am finding that as time passes the less I feel the need to look for ways to distract myself. I am actually happy just being home and enjoying my solitude. Don’t worry though, it isn’t too quiet, with Clyde and the kitties, there is always some chaos to tend to!

This past April was ten years, Scott. Ten years since the day we gathered around and witnessed your last breath. Alex was home this year on the anniversary of  that day. We went out and got tacos in acknowledgement. We remember how much you loved tacos. It was a simple tribute but it meant a lot to us. Later that day I called Sam on the phone and he and Jess were having tacos too. I thought it was sweet that he had thought of the same way to celebrate your memory. It occurred to me that he was ten years old when you passed and now he is twenty years old, so for him it has now been as long without you as he had with you. It is unreal to think of that. 

I have gone on and on and almost forgot the reason I wrote.  I have  some news to share! Do you remember back when Sam was only three months old and the FBI showed up at our door to deliver the news that my ex-husband was a serial killer? It is kind of hard to forget, huh? You handled it with your steady patience, like everything else in our life and that helped me hold myself together. Later, once the dust settled, you encouraged me to write my story. I will never forget how you held down the fort with the boys and allowed me to close myself in our bedroom so that I could get my story onto paper. I wrote about a hundred pages back then, but our lives were just so busy with work and raising the boys that I had to put it away for later. A couple of years ago I pulled it out of the closet, dusted it off and began working on it again. It has taken me a very long time (nearly twenty years!) but I did it. I finally finished the damn book! 

As you know, a lot of things happened in my life before we found that out which could have been a book in itself. I knew I couldn’t write the sensationalized “ex-wife of a serial killer” book about him. That would have been easier, but I knew it needed to be more than that. Little did I know then what else was to come. The story wasn’t done yet. So the book, UnDamaged: Sheltered by Grace is not only about my life married to a man who turned out to be a serial killer, but also about how his crimes shaped my life from the moment the FBI knocked on our door. I wrote about how that moment helped me to look back at my 8 1/2 year marriage to Marc Evonitz through a different lens. It also helped me understand how events in my childhood led me to marry a man like Marc in the first place. I also wrote about our life together and about losing you from ALS and raising our boys alone. My hope is that others will find some comfort and strength in my story of moving through life feeling like damaged goods to emerging as a version of myself that I am finally proud of.

This past fall I took the plunge and I sent my book out to a few agents. I am still waiting to hear back, but I know these things take time and it will be worth the wait. I am hoping this will be the year that I get to see my book in print.

Thank you for always believing in me. I love you for that. You knew me before I knew myself.  Your steady support never wavered, not even for a minute and you never expected me to be anything other than who I was. It has taken a lot of heartache to see that, but I do see it now. 

There are so many more things I want to share with you, but I should go for now. I hope this reaches you somehow through the cosmos and that you are smiling.  Until next time… 

Love Always, Bonnie